I’m deciding how far to take this post today. I have experienced the pinnacle of all dramas this week and I am so ready to let go, but some people are making it very difficult for me. Well, not some people. One person.
Do I want to vent online, for all to see? Or do I want to continue to vent quietly to my husband and a few good friends? I need to get a lot off my chest.
Maybe I’ll just take the time to explain, without using names and without the dirty details. Just my point of view, my side of the story.
I had a friend that I have known for 8 years. She called me her best friend and I did the same. It’s a little late to admit it, but the title always made me a smidge uncomfortable deep down, because our relationship wasn’t all that I thought a “best friendship” should be. Just little nuances missing here and there. But I digress. In the past 6 weeks, I have taken baby steps towards ending our friendship. I have stopped replying to e-mails and eventually removed her from my Facebook friends (I know, the ultimate breakup!). I had hoped that she would just accept it and move on. I know I would have.
Why, you may wonder, did I feel the friendship needed to end? Well, over the past 3 years (4 if you want to get really specific, but the concentration is in the past 3…) she has repeatedly done things that have hurt and disappointed me. However, I despise confrontation and I really don’t enjoy telling people their faults. I also don’t think that she has ever been aware of how hurtful these things have been, so I didn’t want to embarrass her. I also don’t like having to pull “examples” out of my memory when I’m in a heated conversation. So all in all, I let them slide. I also made many excuses for her behavior to many people: my family, friends that had known me for years, my husband. I defended her many many times, saying that it was okay because she was not trying to be malicious, she just didn’t realize how her actions were being interpreted. Some things were even out of her control, but at the end of the day they were still many times that she let me down when I depended on her.
**Let me take a moment to say that I do appreciate all the good and kind things that she has done for me in the past. There were many. Unfortunately, the bad outweighs the good in this ending.
All in all, I was a doormat. I never once stood up for myself and said “Hey, you’re at fault too!”. When she was pregnant, I let things slide (for above mentioned reasons). When she got mad, I apologized and grovelled and said that it was all my fault. I didn’t truly believe this, but I also hate having people mad at me. When I didn’t ask her to be my maid of honor, the same thing happened. I made it all my fault. When things began to spiral downward this spring, I decided I’d had enough.
It’s a funny thing – people say that having children changes your priorities. I didn’t think it was that true until I was here. I look at those precious babeez and I want them to grow up proud, strong and tall. They will always have each other, but I don’t want them to take any sh*t from anyone!
So I said, “Enough!”
In a convoluted way, it was an abusive relationship. You should be comfortable enough in your friendships to be open and honest, not scared.
In this crazy Facebook world, I know that it was childish to remove her from my “friends” without telling her. However, most of our friendship had existed through this medium for the past 6 months, to the point where I only really knew what was going on in her life by what she talked to other people about and from her status updates. I felt like she took me for granted. So, since this was now the basis of the relationship, I decided it was the platform from which to end things. And I knew that this would be the last time. I was taking the initiative and I wasn’t going to back down and grovel.
She didn’t take it well. But let me add that it took her 5 days to even realize I had de-friended her….but again, I digress…
I got the typical 16-page e-mail saying that she was hurt and couldn’t understand and hadn’t she done so much for me and wasn’t this typical of me and why do I always do this to her. Normally, I would have been crying and written back an equally long e-mail explaining why I was wrong and how sorry I was. But everything had (once again) been turned around to be all about her, and that is what I was tired of to begin with. I sent a short e-mail saying that she did not deserve my friendship and that her borrowed items would be on my doorstep to pick up (something she demanded in her epic e-mail…) and to not bother me again. I did give her an example of one thing that she had done last year, but said it wasn’t the only reason. It was rude, I’ll admit, but I didn’t feel like wasting anymore energy and wanted things over and done.
Now, if it had been me, I would have taken my dignity and walked away. If someone doesn’t want me in their life, I will be hurt, but I really don’t press the issue. But instead of not bothering me, she sent back another (!!) e-mail. This time, she really let it all hang out. Now, instead of indifferent, I am mad. Let it go. She also proceeded to text me while I was in my photography class that night. Let it go. She also posted on a parenting board that she thinks that I am bi-polar and severely depressed and that I have a “history” of that, when in fact it is the other way around. It’s becoming slanderous.
I haven’t communicated with her since I wrote “Don’t bother me”. But I am still mad. If you want details, e-mail me. I have no problem defending my actions and backing them up. I am just disgusted right now and the childishness that she has displayed for everyone to see. It has always been all about her and now that I’m not willing to play that game, her true colors have shown. I would love to write out everything that led up to these events, but I don’t need to air my dirty laundry. I am done with her.
I just want to get it off my back and get into some clean clothes.