Learning to fly

stepping off the edge

     knowing everything i’ve done
          believing that i can
  (instead of pretending that i can’t)
          all that i am will be
all that i’ve fought against     closed off     pretended
     is what will help me soar
***
I spent so much of my life wearing different hats and different masks to suit every situation I encountered: from the classroom to the workplace, from my bedroom to my kitchen, from my studio to my wedding to my career to my family…
Pretending I was better than this or not good enough for that, braver than her or scared of them.  I put on fake smiles and false pretense, cowered in the face of judgement or conflict.  I ignored pain and trauma, hid them away and carried on.  Never debriefed or decompressed, just kept moving forward, stumbling blindly.
Hurting, always hurting.  Always feeling deep-down that I was fraudulent and inadequate.  Scared to open up and just be.
And finally?  A near-miss swipe at rock-bottom.  Nearly losing it all. 
But then:

Climbing out of the ashes, realizing what unconditional love really means.  Realizing that the person I am today is not the person who will achieve my goals and dreams.
(realizing that it always takes me two attempts to spell “achieve” properly, and that I love that irony!)

Learning to run hills by watching the road directly in front of me; knowing where I need to go, but not focusing on the seemingly unsurmountable distance to get there.  One foot in front of the other, focused on proper form and placement, then the next foot.  Every step as strong as the previous, or stronger.
Knowing my weaknesses so that I can manage them, and cultivating my strengths so that they grow.
Truly, truly understanding the saying, “To err is human; to forgive is divine” and to feel the cool waters of relief wash over my heart when I start to also forgive myself.
To understand that what was is not what always will be, but to know that it will add fuel to the fire that keeps me moving.
To honor the past, and anticipate the future.
To stand on the edge of infinity, knowing and fully appreciating that everything before this moment, good or bad, is what got me here.  To know that I got this far, overcame that much by only being a fraction of my true self.

To imagine the awesome power of committing 100% of myself to this one life.  To allow myself to use my full potential to be great, and to know that my history is what drove me to take that leap.

To learn to fly.

Gratitudes

…morning sunshine, streaming in the windows _uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

…wholewheat blueberry pancakes with chocolate chips, made from a family recipe :)
…rain showers and subsequent growth – both literal and figurative
…the satisfying “pop” of pulling a weed out by the roots
…bugz finally falling asleep in Momma’s bed, without Momma, curled up together snoring under their blankies
…chalkboard drawings
…swinging in the hammock
…hot coffee with lots of milk
…visits, kids and popsicles
…stillness
…healing
…learning their letters
…new teammates and new responsibilities
…bedtime phone calls
…new beginnings
…sticky kisses

Choices and changes

I’m in the mood to write today :)  It was a crazy, hectic week, and today is the first day of “relaxing” that I’ve had since … oh, last Monday?  It was kind of nice to wake up and lounge around in my pj’s for awhile, to not rush out the door by 8am with screaming demons in tow ;) _uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

I’m playing office assistant this week for our esteemed leader while he and his beautiful wife take in our company villa in St. Maartens.  Not. Jealous. At. All…  But he sent me a picture of a gross spider, so I hope it rains :o )  JUST KIDDING Julia!!!  I am answering emails, phone calls, doing paperwork, putting out fires and generally being the awesome machine behind the team while they’re gone.  It’s a good practice in focus, and an excellent learning opportunity since I’ll be in this position in 158 days.
Wow.  Time is flying.  Eep.  I’m still on track though.  I just need to make sure that I do that little but important bit of activity every day between now and then and it will happen.  
It has definitely been a lesson in keeping my head up and my convictions strong.  When you do something that not many people have pulled off before you, there is a lot of unintentional negativity.  People don’t want you to set yourself up for failure, but they fail to see that their concerns are a rain shower that you don’t need.  All I want around me is cheerleaders; I don’t want anyone telling me to be careful, or to aim lower.  I’m doing this to prove something to myself and to those growing up in the industry – that it can be done in a short time if you are focused and passionate.  I want to set an example and I will not be able to do that if I accept anything as “good enough”.  My negative experiences are learning opportunities right now, not setbacks.  My “no’s” are just filters to get me through to the people and situations that will help this massive momentum explode into reality.  I am so excited right now that negativity makes me look at people as if they have three alien heads talking.  I just cannot tolerate negativity in my life.
I want to correct people when they complain; I want to teach them about choices.  At the very least, I want them to take their problems somewhere else.  Don’t get me wrong: if someone needs my love and support right now, I’m going to be there for them.  I’m talking about in the insidious habit of complaining about things.  We all do it.  But it’s like I flipped a switch a few weeks ago, and my threshold for complaint is at an all-time low.  I want people to take responsibility for their choices and their place in life NOW.  It was all a series of choices that led you to where you are today.  Sometimes, it felt like you had no choice, but we are born we free will – we will always have a choice, it’s simply whether or not we feel comfortable enough to exercise that choice.
Let me tell you this: it’s a lot easier to stay comfortable than to accept responsibility.  The funny thing is, the more “comfortable” you are with the initial choice, the more uncomfortable it will become.  It will start to eat away at you.  The immediate discomfort you feel in stretching your self and your capabilities will be overshadowed by the rewards you reap from taking a chance and making the best choice, instead of just the easiest one.
I am living proof of that today, so don’t think that I am preaching without practice.  There have been so many situations and relationships that I have taken the easy way out of and lived to pay the price of confinement later on.  Breaking through those habits has been hard, but every ounce of discomfort has paid off and has been completely and thoroughly worthwhile. 
The best example I can think of is a broken relationship that I am gently trying to heal and mend.  It’s hard to find the right words and gestures to express my feelings and wants after all this time because I chose to take what I thought was the easy way out.  From that day forward, the mistake has compounded and caused so much hurt and anger to be poured out into the world that wasn’t necessary or needed.  But in my weakness, I made a poor choice.  I live with the regret and pain of that every day.  I have been taking little steps to rectify my wrong-doing, but I don’t know if I will ever truly be able to heal that which I broke.  But I made a choice that I would do everything in my power to fix my mistake, and I will not let discomfort and fear hold me back any longer.
That is why, when people are uncomfortable with my goals and dreams, I shake it off.  I want to succeed in this business challenge so badly because I know that if I can push through and persevere through discomfort here, I can do it anywhere in my life.  People will never tell you that you have an ugly baby, but they wont think twice about criticizing your dreams, goals or actions.  Like I said in a previous post, they judge because they are too scared to do it themselves.
So what is our lesson for today?  First of all, check your thoughts.  Be it with me, or when you are alone, listen to what you are saying and thinking.  Are you thankful for all the good and potential in a situation, or are you only focusing on the bad?
Secondly, stop settling.  Whether you are settling for your current situation, living with the consequences of past actions, or shrinking your dreams because you are scared of failing – STOP.  We are put on this Earth with limitless potential that is meant to be harnessed and used.  Every day that you waste is an insult to the beauty and power that you hold inside yourself.  Make a choice; do what it is that makes you happy.
Be worth it.

Whirlwind week!

So the thing with being busy and motivated is that your blog gets neglected… _uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

And I have so many stories to share!!
First, I turned 29.  There, I said it.  But actually 29, not the 29 I’ll continue to be from here on out.  Ha!  I had a low-key day, bought a patio lounger, painted a few Father’s Day surprises with my bugz and went to work.  Very low-key.
A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to right an old wrong.  As a result, I received a letter from an old friend on my birthday, which was probably the greatest gift I could have received.  It made my heart smile :)
Like I said, I bought a patio lounger.  I also bought a rolling compost bin, and my parents gave me a set of hand tools, a strawberry planter and strawberry seedlings.  I treated myself to another planter and bought fresh herbs for it today (my attempt at growing them from seed was an epic-ish failure):
We had a busy Father’s Day weekend – the bugz painted birdhouses for Leith, and we bought him a hammock.  We had a picnic in the park with Jocelyn, Blain, my parents, and the newly named puppy – Cairo.
Who knows if that is how they actually spell it??
Anyway … he’s super-cute, and if it weren’t for the size of his puppy feet foretelling the monster he will grow up to be, I would kidnap him from my parents in a heartbeat.

We bought a splash pool for the bugz, and they were in seventh heaven.  Did I mention it was close to 30 degrees all weekend??
Yes, they were nakers.  How else would you find my children?  They hate clothing…
This week has been very busy, working, running stairs, planting seeds and herbs and strawberries, and generally just running around like crazy!!
My garden is thriving. I’ve spent many hours pulling up the grass, quack grass, dandelions and rhubarb-type weeds that are threatening to overtake it.  Every seed came up but the parsnips, and every seedling is thriving but the cucumbers.  To be honest, the cucumbers were dead before I planted them, but I held out hope until there was none left.  Yesterday I planted Swiss chard and cucumber seeds to replace the cucumber seedlings and non-existent parsnips.  Happy growing!!
Little bitty rows of spinach, lettuce, carrots and potatoes
Turnips, ready to be thinned I think!
Onions are thriving….
Peas are climbing in their baskets…
And everything is doing exactly as it should – yay!!
Have a great week, and I promise to be more diligent in updating ;)

Still here…

I have been so flippin busy that I haven’t had time to post!  Never fear, a good long one will be on its way later today…. _uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

For Today

Outside my window … it is the same as every June 17 since the day I was born – cloudy with a chance of showers :)  People think I’m being cynical when I say that it rains every year on my birthday, but it is TRUE!  Even if it is only for a moment – I like to think that the world is crying tears of joy at the sheer wonder of my awesomeness ;) _uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

I am thankful … for the wonderful support and mentorship in our agency, which has been integral in keeping me pushing forward.
I am praying … that I get through this 2*th birthday without any anxiety or panic attacks.  Gawd, when did birthdays start to irk me so much??  TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!!
I am thinking … about having a shower, feeding my kids and going to St Albert today!
I am creating … a top-secret plan – mwa-ha-ha-ha!!
I am celebrating … my birthday.  Ugh.  I love other people’s birthdays and I used to be a birthday nut as a kid, but for the past few years, my own birthday gives me hives.
From the kitchen … coffee.  Oh, and I ate the crusts off my kids’ toast.  Ooooohhhhh
I am wearing … my teeny-bopper sweatpant crops, Leith’s big sweatshirt that he’s never worn because I stole it the day after Christmas ’08, and my slipper-boots
I am reading … TBA.  I need a new book, as I just finished my last one.  I am listening to Why We Want You to Be Rich by Donald Trump and Robert Kiyosaki.  I was a little wary of it, but it is actually very insightful.
I am hoping … that all my prospective agents show up tonight and Saturday to book their interviews!!
I am hearing … Tim McGraw singing My Next 30 Years.  No lie.  The irony is NOT lost on me.
I am going … to Walmart later to buy a patio lounger for my b-day.  Hopefully St Albert has it in stock, as I can’t get an answer on the phone.  Yay for minimum wage customer service?
Around the house and yard … sprouting lettuce, turnips, potatoes and onions!  Peas and beans are thriving, flowers are blooming and weeds are being managed :)  Success!!  Does anyone know how long carrots, parsnip, zucchini and squash take to germinate?  I threw out the seed packets because they were sopping wet…
One of my favourite things … being caught up on my laundry!!  
A few plans for the rest of the week … Open House at the office tonight, Fat Camp tomorrow night (lol), Open House on Saturday morning, Fathers’ Day/birthday BBQ at my sister-in-law’s, Father’s Day/birthday picnic on Sunday with my family … phew!
A quote for today:
“A lot of people are afraid to say what they want.  That’s why they don’t get what they want.” ~Madonna

167 Days

Whew!  Counting down like this makes my heart race!!  Who knew time would fly so quickly?? _uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

Well, I’ve been hitting it hard this week, and I have made 9 positive contacts!  My goal for the week is 15, so I am more than halfway there :) :)  I cannot express how awesome it is to ride this wave and conquer my silly little rejection fears.  It’s like I was born to do this.
Oh, and for the record?  All of those contacts have been completely cold.  That’s right: Little Miss Scared-to-Speak-to-Strangers has been cold-calling resumes.  What did I think was going to be so scary??  Silly Meaghan!
Gotta keep it up though – see you on the beaches of Hawaii!!

169 Days

Time is already flying!!

I am 5 days in and already feeling the excitement build more!  There is no decline in the energy surrounding me as I focus on making my dreams reality.  It is so much more than new-age thinking and a bunch of hoopla – that which you focus your attention on truly does expand.
I spent Friday night hitting the phones with Mel and have FIVE people coming out to the office this week to see if it would be a good fit for their career path.  Tomorrow, Cam and I are going to be calling a pile of resumes as well.  My goal is to have 15 positive responses by Friday, including the five already in the books.
I also had an amazing initial consultation with a young family tonight.  I will be able to save them an extra $1000/month without cutting into their lifestyle – how cool is that??  Additionally, we will be discussing a bit of business at our next appointment, as he is interested in securing a back-up plan. 
Like I mentioned, the energy just keeps building around me.  It could be the sunburn, but my skin feels like it’s tingling.  I want this so much - to prove to myself I can, and to prove to everyone else that I can.  Cam nailed it in training today when he said that moms need to fight harder to succeed that dads do because we are already have more responsibility that most dads just do not.  I will attest to that!  I have used the bugz as an excuse too many times, and it is an easy trap to fall into.  Now, however, I want to push this so hard to prove that not only can I achieve it, but I can blow all preconceived notions out of the water.
“Sure [Fred Astaire] was great, but remember she did everything he did, backwards and in high heels…” Bob Thaves on Ginger Rogers
I AM going to do this by November 30, 2010 because I can do it.  I want it like I’ve never wanted anything before.  I am so excited for the day that it is reality.  Stay tuned…
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