Monthly Archives: December 2011

Dancing with Dragons

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Depressed doesn’t mean depressing.

Meds doesn’t equal crazy.

And yet, for someone who is so open about depression, I struggle with admitting this to a crowd. Maybe I worry that you’ll judge me, or that you’ll jump to conclusions. Maybe I worry that you’ll roll your eyes or tread to gently the next time we talk?

But then again, maybe I just don’t care.

Depression is a tricky thing for me. It doesn’t manifest itself classically in me until I am so far gone that I feel like I’ll never come back. No, instead it’s a manipulative little sneak, full of sharp tempers and agitation. It’s a foggy mind that forgets why I walked into a room.

It’s rarely sleeplessness or fatigue or tears. It hides itself around corners, disguised as personality flaws.

When it’s attacked, I feel good. For almost 2 years, I kept the dragon locked up with the help of a little dose of pharmaceutical friendship. But the problem with this beast is that, over time, the captor becomes complacent. The dragon stops rattling his chains, and you begin to think he is sleeping, or even dead.

You slowly let your guard down when you feel safe and secure. You lighten the security on the dragon, reducing your dose. With the help of your doctor, you drop it down to zero, throw open the cage and let the ghost of the dragon walk away.

You’ve beaten him – yes, you’ve mastered your own mind, and dancing in the shadow of your fears, thrown open the curtains and felt the sun shine on your face all by yourself. You fight your battles on your own terms, with only the strength from your soul and not strength from a little blue bottle with a child-safe cap.

Then, one day you realize you haven’t cried in 6 months. Through all the heartache and pain, struggles, loneliness, stress, doctor’s appointments, lawyer’s meetings, work, fights…you haven’t cried. You stand in the kitchen, staring into space, wondering how you got here.

You realize that while, yes, you survived, that’s all you’ve done.

You haven’t been living and breathing because the weight on your chest is so heavy.

You’re numb, and you’re suffocating.

You’ve spent so long fighting to do this on your own terms that you don’t even recognize that the dragon has snuck back into your life and is curled up on your couch. Yes, he’s snoring, but he’s there. He’s blocking the sunlight that should be streaming in the windows, and you finally cry.

For hours, you bawl and sob into your husband’s chest and let all the pain out into the world. You let that dragon smile while you scream into the night about how goddamn much it hurts.

Then, in the morning, you make a call. You pop the top of that little blue bottle and start to show that dragon who is boss.

I’m the boss. I can’t control everything or everyone in this world, but I can control me. And I don’t have to do it alone. When I started taking an anti-depressant years ago, my doctor and my therapist both said it was something that I would probably want to continue for the rest of my life, even at a small dose. Why did I stop?

I learned an important lesson from all of this – you feel good for a reason. It’s not necessarily because your hormones have righted themselves. With everything that was thrown at me in the last half of 2011, I know that I am a very strong person with a very strong mind. But when those tears finally fell on Christmas Day night, I realized that just because I can do it doesn’t mean I have to do it. For every day that I survived, a little bit of me died.

That’s not strength. It’s stubborn stupidity.

So here I am, back on my meds. Not to numb the pain, or to make me sane.

Just to give me a breath before each moment to find peace and be myself, so that 2012 can kick ass and I can be there to feel it all.

Not a creature WAS stirring…

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I’m hiding in my bedroom at 11:15pm on Christmas Eve, trying to ignore my wide-awake, wonder-filled children in the next room.

You see, they woke up 20 minutes ago an found out that Santa has already visited!!

Awesome.

Thank goodness they don’t have a clock and can’t tell time…

They’ve seen the parcels Santa left in their room: one wrapped in brown paper, and another box with a Princess doll or each of them. They are so freaking excited. They’ll never go back to sleep. I have to keep them contained in their room for at least another 7 hours.

I knew I shouldn’t have put the Ariel and Belle dolls in there. I should have put them under the tree. But I know that the girls will LOVE them (I know that for a fact now…), and I wanted them to find something more than just their new pajamas in the morning.

I should have listened to my inner Mom, who mostly sounds like my mom, and put them somewhere else. Maybe in their car seats, as a last surprise before we go to Gramma’s house tomorrow??

But it’s done now. I hope they fell for my fake bleary eyes and tousled bed head, and believed me when I said I’d been sleeping. I hope that they are young enough to believe the unbelievable and that I haven’t cast doubt on this magic at an early age.

I hope I can somehow contort my legs properly to allow me to kick myself repeatedly.

Never mess with the formula. Pajamas only, and wait until after midnight. Preferably, set an alarm and do it after 2am!! And don’t do ANYthing when your husband is watching Die Hard downstairs, right below their bedroom!

Merry Christmas, dear friends. May peace and silence fill your house tonight so that you may continue I perpetuate the myth with your own family where I have failed…

Thanks, Santa…

Spirited Gratitudes

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It’s +5 on Christmas Eve. Really, my entire list of gratitudes should just stop there. The weather is beautiful, the sun is shining (for a few more minutes…), and there is just enough snow on the ground to cover up the mud._uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

Perfect, really :)
But in addition to that, I really must give thanks for:
  • husbands who come home
  • last-minute miracles at Walmart, in the form of Princess flashlights – these have been requested with dire need, and I had no freaking idea where to find them. Then, in a flurry of Christmas Eve shopping for tampons and ribbon at Walmart, I found them: smiling up at me from the bottom rack of the impulse shelves in the checkout line. I may have squee’d a little :)
  • sledding on our hill. I love that we have a hill on our acreage that is perfect for sledding!
  • (most) gifts wrapped and ready to roll
  • honey-roasted peanuts, despite their atrocious calorie count. Why?? Whyyyy?
  • the Glee Christmas album, even though I’m not a big Glee fan…
  • reading about all the people preparing for the real Christmas celebration, and not just some overinflated consumer holiday
  • overcoming the urge to give in to buying things “just because” I have to, and instead only buying things that would be important and appreciated by their receiver
  • snuggling with warm, fuzzy-footed bugz in my bed, or their bed, or on the couch watching movies :)
  • virtual hugs and encouragement
  • lighting candles in the low afternoon light
  • stories before bedtime
  • yoga passes and meditation
  • hot coffee and handsome husbands ;)
  • brown paper packages tied up with string ribbon, waiting for little eyes to close tonight
  • a date booked for Kit-kat’s GI scope and biopsy, even if it’s two months later than we expected – it means we can eat “normally” for a little while longer ;)
  • no one barfing in the past 36 hours…
  • books to read, so many books to read!
  • Christmas humour:
  • friends, family and being together
  • homemade gifts, despite my lack of “crafty”
  • the thought of warm cinnamon buns for breakfast tomorrow…although then I should also be prepared to be grateful for a trip to Superstore, since I just remembered I have no flour…never mind that plan…
  • homemade hot cocoa and little hands gripping mugs
Peace, love and happiness to you and your family this Christmas. May you be blessed with the goodness that you put out into the world in 2011, and get everything your heart deserves.
xoxo

Walk Away

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This is a post that has been written and re-written so many times in the past 5 months, both in my head and on the screen. I’ve waited and waited, sometimes scared, sometimes apathetic, sometimes angry, sometimes at peace. It’s a post that many people have asked and wondered about, and for nearly 5 months, I’ve kept my mouth closed:

At the beginning of August, I walked away from the business and brand I created and built steadily for the previous year. No warning to any of you, although many knew it had been a tough summer for sure! It came out of the blue for everyone, but especially for me. It was not a long, drawn-out decision.
It was a 48-hour, fast-turn-around, get-the-hell-out decision, and I didn’t see it coming.
I’m still not about to give anyone the drawn-out details. Even though I’ve kept my mouth completely shut, I was still threatened with defamation suits and the like. (Funny, considering I said nothing)
But I will tell you this: it all came out of left field and was the result of finding out that my best friend was either a) lying to me at that moment, or b) had been lying to me for the past 9 months. It was surreal and completely unexpected, hurtful, childish and unprofessional.
It came at a time when I was already struggling both financially and professionally. She’d laid me off at the beginning of May for her business’ benefit (to which I willingly agreed), and when my EI claim didn’t come through, I was told I had her complete support in finding a new job. She had backed out as my business partner (a role that she had asked for the previous fall) but hadn’t made time for the legal steps to finalize it. When my new job (which I’ve since left) was offered, I was given her blessing, professional reference and support.
Until I started that new job. Within two days of my new full-time job, the proverbial shit hit the fan. I’m still not giving you the gory details, but I went to bed on Wednesday night knowing that I was steps away from being stabbed in the back. I drafted emails to everyone I had professional commitments to, letting them know that I would be unable to see through on the schedules we’d planned. No details, just apologies for the inconvenience and heartfelt thanks for their support.
And then, walk away, I did.
I walked away, contacted my lawyers and let them know that my involvement was ceasing immediately and to do whatever necessary. I didn’t ask for money, reimbursement, or even my wages for the summer. I wanted nothing but my name off that company and as much distance as I could legally muster.
And then I let her know. I said that I would no longer be associated with either company, and that our friendship was over. And that is about the time I found out that I’d been lied to for my own benefit (supposedly) for the past 9 months.
It’s been a hellish 5 months since then. I’ve had a broken heart and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t destroy my desire to work in the Edmonton health and wellness community. I gave it a hard shot for almost 3 months before I said screw it. It wasn’t for lack of support: from day one, I had whispered support that built into a heart-warming and uplifting following of encouragement and belief. It kept my head above the water…
Unfortunately, the pain was too much. Every day that I put into my work was a constant reminder of what had happened. I threw up my hands and shut down. I closed my Facebook, my Twitter, my website, my practice, my existence in the community. I didn’t talk to anyone for several weeks. Slowly, I started to open up again, but with extreme caution and a very jaded heart.
I am officially a very jaded heart.
I opened up to a couple of kindred souls who gave me strength to start to laugh and joke and be myself online again. I am still guarded, but I am beginning to enjoy being myself again. The cloud overhead is starting to dissipate, and the sunshine is starting to warm my soul again.
There are still only a few people who know the dirty details of what went on, and I don’t need anyone else to know. That was never the point of this post. The point is to tell you this: although I am still shaken by what happened, I am glad it happened. I don’t have to continue to build a business or personal relationship based on lies being told to me. I found that there is a truly wonderful, supportive network of people who believe in me regardless of whether I am in business or not. I discovered a strength within me that I didn’t know existed, and that I can coexist with bitterness without being consumed by it.
I found out that I love myself just as I am, and that I don’t need to meet anyone else’s expectations or conform to their moulds. I also don’t need to create a persona for the public to enjoy – they seem to like me for me, not some inflated and painted version of myself. I like that Me better anyway…the one who can swear on Twitter and complain about my underwear with zest.
(…in that I can complain with zest about my underwear…not that my underwear HAVE zest. That would be weird…)
I found that everything happens for a reason, and I found that I am grateful and thankful for everyone who accepted me when I said, “No comment” about everything that happened.
So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for standing beside and behind me, in spirit or out loud, through this incredibly difficult period of time. You know who you are, and I am grateful for you. Thank you for letting me walk away when I needed to and still talking to me when I came back.
The comments on this post are off…but you know where to find me if you need me ;)
Much love,
MagzD

34 Hours

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Not to be confused with last week’s post, 36 hours ;) _uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

My husband has exactly 34 hours to get home before I trade him in. Don’t worry – he knows these conditions. I am nothing, if not transparent.
Ha.
So, for the next 34 hours, I will madly try to assemble some veil of festivity in our house. I will try to get it cleaned up and decorated to give the impression that I am slightly prepared for Christmas this weekend. 
It’s all a lie – I’m not the least bit prepared, and he fully knows that.

I will go to hot yoga at the yoga place I can’t stand, and try to get my Christmas-zen on.
I will give my homemade Christmas a last-ditch effort and make one more thing to go in the baskets of doom. Stupid baskets of doom. Next year, everyone is getting painted rocks and a kick in the ass.
I will walk on my treadmill for an hour, because that’s what I do. It’s what I live for.
I’ll try not to scream at my children, but no promises there…
And by 8pm tomorrow night, I will have my husband back…or else. In 7 years, this is the longest we’ve been apart. Even the 13 weeks he spent in Saskatchewan when we’d only been dating a month or so was broken up by flights to and from each month. The five weeks he spent in Ft MacMurray in early 2008 were broken up with 2 flights home.
This time? Nothing.
5 weeks, to the day, since I’ve seen my husband. And during that 5 weeks, we’ve managed to have a pretty awful time. It wasn’t sunshine and roses, that’s for sure! It sucked a lot, and if it weren’t for Twitter, I’d probably be either drunk or committed right now.
So, in 34 hours, I am going to feel the skies open up and the birds sing (even though it will be dark, but whatever…) and feel like there is just a little bit of hope and light in the world for us again.
I can’t wait :)

While I wait

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Why do iPhone software updates take soooo long?? Honestly!_uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

The funny thing is, as soon as I typed that … well, the update finished. Now the title of my post today is completely irrelevant. Such is life, I suppose.
An important PSA for you this morning: that cookie recipe I shared last night?? DON’T MAKE THEM!! They really ought to be renamed “Crackies” because I am completely addicted and cannot. stop. eating. them.
Yes, that’s right. I am stuffing cookies into my mouth like a little kid hiding in the closet while my kids free-range in the basement. They’re banging a lot of doors and screeching, and I don’t care. All I can think about is the container of Crackies on my counter.
Nom.
I am also patiently waiting for 6pm tonight, when I can drop my lovely beastie children off at my parents’ house for the whole night. Yes, that’s right: an entire night and morning to myself, just for me. I am going to go Christmas shopping and to Bikram yoga, and the whole experience will be quiet. Well, not quite quiet, but devoid of my own offsprings’ music.
Although they are beautiful little singers…
In the meantime, I’m killing time and wondering if I can somehow harass my mom into letting me drop them off and run gleefully screaming from her doorstep us come over early. I’m wondering what to do with my kids. The hour of freedom is so close, and yet so far away, that I am uninspired to interact with my little uterine fruits. We wrapped up the few gifts I’ve already bought and put them under our tree. We ate breakfast. I sent them downstairs so that I could veg in front of this screen… and that’s all I’ve got.
I’m also terrified to leave this office, fearing that if I walk past the container of Crackies, I will inhale them, choke and die.
Oh, but what a happy death…
What are you waiting for today, my friends?

MagzD Stuff

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I haven’t written much at all this week, have I? _uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

I’ve been floating around in this cloud of survival, partly busy, partly avoidance, partly a lot of things. I have emails to answer, calls to return, laundry to fold and put away (gag), gifts to buy and wrap…a house to decorate! I’m just not there yet.
I’ve been doing…stuff, I guess. I’ve been exercising for 60 minutes every day, even when I don’t feel like it. I need the endorphins and sweat right now. I’m so excited that my parents are going to have the bugz over for a sleepover tomorrow night so that I can go to Bikram yoga on Sunday morning!! I need a good Bikram class right now to drown out the noise in my head. I’ve gone once a week to the hot yoga studio in our town for the past month, but I really don’t like it there. I don’t like the style or the instructors. Bikram will be good for my soul, especially right now.
***
We had a pediatrician’s appointment on Wednesday. We did the pre-op paperwork and exam for Kit-kat’s endoscopy and biopsy to confirm Celiac disease. We’re just waiting to hear from the Stollery Children’s Hospital for a date, although we should be in within the month because of her positive blood test. C-boo had her follow-up as well, and will be going for more blood work in a week or so (after Christmas). She’s been doing very well since we purged her system with an exorcism-style oral purgative last week.
It was … atrocious.
***
Leith is still gone, but he will absolutely be home by Wednesday at the very latest. This is a promise, and he is also taking the rest of 2011 off to be home with us. We were finally able to Skype tonight, and I had to fight back tears. It was so nice to see him after 4.5 weeks!! I hope that his return will boost my Christmas spirit a little. For the first time in my life, my house is undecorated, my gifts are barely finished, and I am ready to just throw stuff under the tree and pretend that tomorrow morning is Christmas day.
The other best part? Having him home to help tie up some loose legal ends and (finally) close a chapter in our life!
***
Last night was fun… C-boo complained that her tummy hurt all day and evening, and I kept telling her to go to the bathroom. Instead, at 10:30pm, she rolled over in my bed and projectile vomited all over Kit-kat. Kit-kat starting screaming in horror, only to be hit in the face with C-boo’s next chuck. I was horrified, torn between saving my mattress (!!!!) and figuring out which kid to haul to the bathroom first! I picked Kit-kat because she was closest to the door and, well, the most in need of a towel. C-boo came next, and I had to ignore the puke soaking into the memory foam mattress topper on my bed…
I got them cleaned up (gag!!) and into the bathtub, cleaned up my bedroom, tweeted and facebooked for sympathy, sprayed my mattress with vinegar, and thanked God for the “sanitation” cycle on my washing machine. I laid towels over the fresh sheets and pillowcases, and gingerly allowed my bugz back into bed. Kit-kat was not about to let it happen again though, as she told her sister,

“Dizzard, next time please don’t barf on me, or make a mess. Keep your puke in your mouth, okay?

Couldn’t have said it better myself, kid. Thankfully, the rest of the night passed without incident!

***
Meanwhile, bedtime has been a regular disaster lately. These little monsters are staying up hours past their bedtime – sometimes until 11:30pm!! They sneak downstairs where I am trying to catch a few moments of peace, watching bad TV.

I usually put their baby gate across the doorway so that even if they open the door, they’re trapped. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work well when they need to go to the bathroom…

The problem is this very dark flower lamp in their room – just enough light for them to play by. They’ve both decided that they are petrified of the dark, and thus it has become a necessity to leave it on. Then, they play for hours. I’ve threatened to take it away many times, and finally broke down and removed it completely one night.

They howled and screamed in the pitch black, gasping for air, terrified of whatever they couldn’t see. I half-cried, half-laughed through it all until I heard a huge BANG! The baby gate was down… I made my way upstairs to discover that they had only half toppled it in an attempt to climb OVER it, and found the two wretched children in my room, STEALING the light back for themselves.


I can’t win.

***
I did make the world’s MOST incredible oatmeal chocolate chip cookies today, though! They end up very thin and crisp, and so nom-nom-nom good!!

Here’s the recipe:

*Cream 1c softened butter, 1c lightly packed brown sugar, 1/2c white sugar
*Add 2 eggs, one at a time
*Add 2t vanilla

*Combine 1-1/4c whole wheat flour, 1/2t baking soda and 1t salt
*Add to wet ingredients until just combined

*Stir in 3c oats, 1c shredded coconut and 1c chocolate chips

*Drop by teaspoonfuls onto a baking sheet and bake 15 min at 325 degrees.
*Made about 60 cookies!!

***

36 hours

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I’m trying to keep myself preoccupied right now so this weekend was full of busy fun! We went to my mom’s Christmas party for kids on Saturday to decorate gingerbread men and see Santa. The bugz were thrilled to wear their (non-matching) party dresses that they picked out themselves this year :) _uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

C-boo was very…thorough? 
Kit-kat, on the other hand, was more…artistic :D

When we got home, no one wanted to nap, so I set them up with their new gift from Santa and started painting my room. I’d wanted to redecorate for months, because the turquoise-and-white from 2 years ago just wasn’t doing anything for me. It was too bright and vibrant. I want a sanctuary right now – somewhere to escape to and relax in.
I bought two shades of warm-grey paint last weekend but hadn’t had the energy or patience to start. With the bugz plugging away at their dress-up dolls, I got started. By bedtime, I had finished the dark feature wall, cut the trim on the other three walls, and painted the opposite light grey wall (because it didn’t need to be taped off from the dark grey…). On a whim, I also painted my dresser the same dark grey, but because of it’s original stain, it ended up being an in-between shade. Perfect!
This morning, I did the first coat on the two side walls and then we hopped in the car and went to Ikea to pick up some new decor: shelving for a new headboard, new draperies, and some accents. The place was d.e.a.d., and the bugz are finally big enough to go to the kids’ play area, so I was in and out in under 45 minutes! We had a quick lunch, and then we were home.
I finished the last coat of paint while the bugz napped, and Sherrie came over to help me with the curtains. I put the shelving up temporarily so that I could take a picture – I need dry wall anchors and we have none.
But in the meantime, the bedroom is nearly done and I think it’s beautiful! I need to put one last coat on the fronts of the dresser drawers, and I will probably paint the matching bedside table. The only thing missing is a new duvet cover, and a husband ;)

While you were sleeping

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…I was wide awake._uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

Suffice it to say that my brain has been running on overload since Kit-kat’s blood work came back positive for Celiac disease. We will meet with a pediatric gastroenterologist on Wednesday for her pre-op consultation and find out what day they will do her biopsy to confirm.
C-boo is booked for a consultation as well, and hopefully some more testing, but Kit-kat gets the fast-track because of her blood work results.
In the meantime, I am trying to navigate the gluten-free water as best I can to prepare our home for this change. Reading, researching, planning…all while visions of scones and pastries dance through my head. The irony is not lost on me: as a confessed lover of all things wheat, I never in a million years thought my house would be the one to go gluten-free.
It feels overwhelming at best. At worst, I’ve cried in the shower, but just for a minute and more to relieve stress than feel pity. It’s not a horrible disease; it just requires planning and preparedness. If anything, it’s a forced healthy diet that more closely mimics what humans are meant to (and not meant to) eat by design. We really aren’t designed to eat grains, but they were so convenient to store and transport all those years ago.
The good news is that there is a world of excellent resources available, many of them local.
So while this new world settles into my head, I’m left wide awake, tossing and turning. I finally threw back my covers at about 3am and decided to be productive in my insomnia. I went through our fridge and pantries, sorting “NO” foods into two boxes: use as soon as possible, and unopened/donate to the Food Bank.
Because I buy so little processed food, my “donate” box is fairly small. A few unopened boxes of pasta, a bag of flour, some noodle soups…
My baking cupboard took a monster hit, but my plan is to do a whack of baking this week, and then freeze it and give it away. No sense in throwing out perfectly good food, so expect lots of oatmeal cookies and banana bread if you’re near me in the next few weeks ;)
(Bananas are safe…I just have a dozen of them in my freezer, so why not use up the flour with some banana bread?)
I went through the fridge and threw out anything gluten-y, and marked any condiments that may be contaminated with a big Sharpie “X” – I’ll make a list of them and replace them when we buy groceries.
My deep-freezer is a no-man’s land. It’s not even worth de-glutening. Every single thing in it has some sort of wheat, whether it’s baking, pasta, or the bag of whole wheat kernels from our food co-op. It will be my donations-to-family-and-friends box – everyone will get something!!
I knew I’d get rid of all that pumpkin baking somehow ;)
Next up is the list of actual kitchen supplies that will be getting tossed/donated and replaced. Can’t wait for that purge…!
Now that the kitchen is done for now, it’s time for me to curl up in a chair with a good book for a few hours until my bugz wake up :)

This next step

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Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…

I’ve been waiting impatiently for news of C-boo’s blood work last week, amidst countless hours of Google and Twitter-combing for ideas and answers. This morning, a phone call added a whole new level of fun to the pile.

And by “fun”, I mean sucky-stupid-lameballs-non-awesomeness.

Sorry. I’ve been holding onto maturity all day and needed to let that out.

The good news is that, thus far, C-boo’s blood work came back normal. We went to a chiropractor, who did some work on her pelvis in hopes of getting things moving. Her doctor called in a prescription for an oral stimulant as a last resort before we go in again next Wednesday. She’s had the first dose, and will get another one tomorrow.

In the meantime, she’s doing a lot better pain and fear-wise.

The bad news, on the other hand, came flying out of left field.

Kit-kat’s blood work came back with high levels of an enzyme that points towards Celiac disease. Our doctor is sending both girls to a specialist for confirmation testing (i.e., biopsy). My Kit-kat, who has had no problems in her life, digestive or otherwise. My Kit-kat, ignored and shuttled around for the past two weeks.

My Kit-kat is the one who seems to have a big problem right now.

We are still working on answers for C-boo, especially because the blood test for Celiac can often show a false positive, which is why I am glad they will do a biopsy for both girls.

But talk about the unexpected.

I guess it doesn’t really matter – we would be dealing with it regardless of which twin was diagnosed. It’s just so confusing that it’s my Kit-kat (who seems so healthy), and not my C-boo (who has had so many issues). And while I am calm and rational, I’ll admit to a storm of confusion inside of me. I know that it is all out of my hands and completely unpreventable, but I can’t help but feel like I’ve let both my girls down. It’s just my ego talking…but you want to give your kids everything under the sun and it still hurts when you can’t.

So we will just keep swimming. We will keep moving forward and go to the next round of doctor/specialist appointments. When things are confirmed, we will transition our home into a Celiac haven. We will get through this because we have to and because we are strong enough to.

I am so blessed to have an aunty to lean on who has gone through years of research and experiencing all sorts of allergies/intolerances in food with her kids, and most recently with my cousin being diagnosed as Celiac. All the googling in the world doesn’t compare to talking to family and being able to lean on them, because it is scary, even when it’s manageable.

We will take these next steps, keep swimming, and keep growing.

And always, keep loving my bugz with my whole heart.
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