Raising adults

Posted on June 29, 2012 by Meaghan

My goodness.

They don’t call it the f***ing fours for nothing, my friends. I am inside-out worn down from the constant struggle to raise my children. The constant begging and pleading for good behaviour. The constant threatening of irrational consequences. The constant giving in.

The ache of wanting my four-year old twins to just be consistently good for a day.

But they’re four. They have the attention span of a gnat when in comes to adult lifestyle, and the memory of an elephant when it comes to everything I don’t want them to know.

They have no concept of age other than little vs old. So, when I do something, they see it as a demonstration of how to live as a human being. It can range from the innocuous (leaving my bed unmade) to the explosive (losing my temper instead of dealing calmly). Then, when I ask them to do the opposite (make your bed, use your words…), it’s confusing.

Monkeys see, monkeys do.

I am my own worst parenting enemy.

It’s absolutely a case of watching Mommy (and Daddy) act like a spoiled, undisciplined brat day in and day out.

Let’s face it: I do what I want, when I want. I lack schedule and structure. I fly freely. But I’ve learned to do what I need to do, when I need to do it. I’m an adult, and I learned life skills as a child. Unfortunately, I demonstrating my chosen adult skills to my children now. They aren’t learning and then choosing. They’re only seeing one thing, and being told another.

Problem discovered: I need to start raising adults, instead of children. I need to provide them with structure and examples that will help them thrive in life. And I need to start by demonstrating that myself.

I need to start being the adult parent, instead of just the egocentric woman living in the house. I need to be the change I want to see in my children They spend the majority of their time with me, even more than they do with their dad. In 14 months, I’ll turn them over to the school system, and my influence will be greatly diminished.

I owe it to my kids to start showing them how a responsible, mature adult acts so that they have a hope of growing into responsible, mature adults themselves. I’ll be honest: the thought frightens me. More so than sticking to their consequences, I have to stick to my word. I have to stand by my threats of leaving/not going/taking this privilege away, even if it means that I can’t do something I want.

I have to catch myself before I speak or react. I have to gauge the situation and be aware of the consequences of my own actions.

I have to parent myself the way I want my kids to be parented. It won’t be easy…but I hope (and know) it will be worth it.

Wish me luck!

Nucking futs

Posted on June 26, 2012 by Meaghan

Oh my.

I hit the end of the line today. I found myself completely and totally lost for patience for the 13-year old snotty attitude that has invaded my 4-year old twins. At what point did they evolve into these sarcastic, surly beasts?? So much back talk! So much whining! So much disobedience!

I was beginning to feel as though my life was saturated with fake Sorrys and empty threats. So, I did it.

I threatened to take them back to their day home.

Don’t get me wrong- their day home was awesome. I loved our provider. She was the perfect mix of no-BS and glitter crafts. But if I had to choose…I’d keep my girls home with me any day. After all, children are not an inconvenience to be managed. I can stay home with them because we are so blessed to make that choice, and because deep down, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

However!!

I’ve been feeling strained and trapped by this prepubescent activity bubbling in their preschool veins. It’s unexpected. I don’t know if it’s my influence, a twin phenomenon, boredom, the movies they watch…or a combination of everything. All I know is that there is too much SASS and not enough respect.

God help me if I talked back to my parents ever, let alone at this age! Did I, Mom? I don’t remember. All I know is that this throws me for a parenting loop.

The last thing I want to hear is that they are good girls. I know they are generally really good, smart kids. But the rude demons that take over?? Totally unacceptable. The worst part is that they compound and encourage each other.

So the threat stands: you were always nice to Sarah, and you’re always mean to Mommy. If you can’t be nice to Mommy, you’ll have to spend your days at the day home. You’ll listen to her, so at least you’ll learn to be well-behaved.

Obviously, this is an empty threat to se degree. I’m not about to give up on parenting and hand them off to be trained. But I’m hoping that it provides them with a little perspective: why are you good for other people, and not for me?

Maybe I’ll end up with answers. Maybe I won’t. But this parenting thing is a tough gig, and I don’t have the answers for this situation. Sometimes I wonder if I left my instincts on the operating table when they were born…

Trust

Posted on June 24, 2012 by Meaghan

A friend you can trust– a rare commodity.

I have to agree, and I hate to do it. I’ve come a long way in healing from last summer’s debacle. I’ve opened up, found friends in unexpected places, and really begun to enjoy socializing. Don’t get me wrong: there are still moments when situations terrify me, but I am feeling much more socially adept nowadays. I’ve found my stride.

And yet…

Trust? Trust anyone? Nope.

Obviously, there are levels of trust. I trust people in the basic sense of the word. I know they won’t run me over in a parking lot, and hopefully wouldn’t scream obscenities at me in a play cafe. I know that people in my life have good hearts, or they wouldn’t be in my life.

But will I ever trust anyone again?

No.

For the longest time, I was sure I would heal. But the truth is that I am utterly terrified of being close to anyone, and it’s started to seep into every area of my life. I don’t get my hopes up for things. I let disappointments slide past. I make watered-down plans instead of letting excitement build. I’ve become passive and impenetrable this past year.

Closed off. Smiling, enjoyable, and downright hilarious…but locked.

I suppose it’s to be expected. I had my privacy betrayed and my secrets played out publicly by the last person I trusted. Hell, I even had fake secrets laid out for the world to judge under a guise of compassion and outreach: things that weren’t even remotely true, like suffering from extreme mental illness and memory loss.

Those were my rewards for trusting someone and allowing them to get close to me: utter betrayal and lies. And no, despite the warnings, I never thought it would happen to me. So if you think for a moment I would allow myself get even close to letting that happen, you’re wrong.

There are days when I want to drown myself in solitude, to move so far away from civilization that I would need to forage for my own food. There are days that I wish I could live in the company of myself alone, forever, because I am the only person that I want to trust.

Ever.

GTFTS

Posted on June 22, 2012 by Meaghan

I suppose it could be worse. We could live in Whitehorse YK, where there is perpetual sunlight 24 hours a day right now. Where mothers would hear my weepy cries about the horrors of 17 hours of daylight during the summer solstice and laugh at my weakness.

But we are here, in Alberta. And for some reason, at 12:15am, my 4-year olds are just settling down. I am at a loss.

We woke up at 8am and played hard in the +24 sunshine all day long. We ate a full dinner, and they were both passed out cold before 7:30pm. Then they woke up screaming and disoriented at 8:30pm, and it’s been hell ever since.

I let them watch a movie quietly. I read a story, gave them warm milk, tucked them in. I didn’t freak out when C-boo snuck out to the garage where Leith and I were talking. And then, we came inside to find Kit-Kay hysterical because she couldn’t find us. And then C-boo started melting down.

And from 10pm to now, it has been unbearable!! Screaming, yelling, kicking. Asking Leith to sleep downstairs because they both want to sleep with me, and he has to be up at 3am, and I. Just. Want. To. Sleep.

Getting screamed at for singing the wrong song. Getting screamed at for not singing it again. Getting screamed at for leaving my room for the solitude of the bugz’ room. Having one, then both follow me in there. Leaving the room, locking the baby gate behind me. Having them scream at the gate. Having them wriggle under the gate by loosening the pads. Having to drag them back to bed screaming, and “ground” them from my room.

I know they’re overtired. I know this. But what’s a girl gotta do to get some sleep around here?? I was in the sun all day too!! I ran 10k on top of that! I’m tired!!

We’ve taken out naps. We get up early. We play hard in the fresh air. Hell, I’ve even spent $200 on black-out blinds from Pottery Barn Kids, just to match their room decor!!

Why can’t they just GO TO SLEEP??

And now, I’m missing out on my time with my friends tomorrow, because the deal was go to sleep at bedtime, be rewarded with a trip to Cafe O Play tomorrow!

Now I get to stick to my guns. And do you know what??

Tonight, parenting really flippin’ sucks

Committed

Posted on June 21, 2012 by Meaghan

I did it.

I registered for the BMO Okanagan Marathon this October. This fall, I will be running 42.2km through the Okanagan Valley.

Crazy.

I made sure to opt-in for the bottle of souvenir wine with my registration. I’m pretty sure it will be the best $20 I’ve ever spent!! We are also turning this into a 4-day holiday so that Leith and I have plenty of time to stock up on other local wines before we head home It will be our first no-kids holiday in 3 years!! I’m so excited for the beauty of Kelowna in the fall…

Let this be a warning to all of you: don’t ever finish a half marathon. You’ll be sucked in to the thrill, and then you’ll find yourself clicking “confirm” on race registration upon race registration. You’ll be filling in the calendar with your insane training schedule, and praying that nothing happens to your ~~angel of pain~~ physiotherapist between now and race day.

You’ll buy new shoes:

new Vibram Komodos – so pretty!

You’ll actually contemplate hiring a babysitter so that you can get your long runs in if Leith is out of town…!

Commitment is such a sickness…

31 Things

Posted on June 16, 2012 by Meaghan

I intended to write this post a year ago. I was so full of pizazz over turning 30…and then I got distracted by something shiny.

So instead of having a dry, dull 31st birthday tomorrow, I decided to kick off my original 30′s plan with a list of 31 things to accomplish this year! Some are borrowed from my list of 101 in 1001, and others are new interests and goals that don’t fall into that

Learn to use my sewing machine
Set up a sewing area in my house
Sew kitchen curtains
Create a new garden plot for vegetables behind the shed
Build 2 or 3 raised perennial beds
Plant our hydrangea and night bark trees
Make dill pickles and carrots
Give homemade Christmas gifts
Take the bugz berry picking at Happy Acres U-pick
Take the whole family back to the Calgary Zoo and Heritage park this summer
Spend a month actually following my girls celiac diet, instead of cheating
Having my wedding rings soldered now that the set is complete
Go to the whisky bar with Leith
Buy an acoustic guitar and keep learning
Finish the Okanagan marathon this fall
Bring home lots of Okanagan wine from the marathon trip
Spend a blissful week in Mexico this winter!
Go scuba diving
Build a sand castle on the beach
Spent an exorbitant amount of money on a bottle of funky wine. Drink it NOW.
Have Leith show me how to change the oil in a vehicle and change a tire on my car
Have an acreage party tweet up
Learn to ride a motorcycle…in a very controlled setting
Have a “YES” day
Find a really, really, REALLY good gluten-free chocolate chip cookie recipe. For real.
Send a handwritten letter
Use the rest of my Bikram 20-pass before it expires!
Buy houseplants…possibly keep alive
Buy myself something extravagant without guilt
Eat a freaky flavour of ice cream, like dill pickle
Go to the roller derby…hell, maybe even go roller skating!!!

30 was the year of growth, and healing. It was the biggest roller coaster of my life, and I wouldn’t trade my experiences for the world. The past year shaped me into the woman I am today: strong, confidant, beautiful, healthy, happy, loved, loving, and damn proud of myself.

It’s a pretty good platform from which to leap into 31.

Soul {filled}

Posted on June 14, 2012 by Meaghan

As you already know, I spent the past weekend in Cochrane with one of my dearest friends. One of those friends who, despite the miles and the years and the changes, can speak to my soul and make me feel at home no matter where we are in the world or what life is throwing at us.

That friend is my Sku.

We’ve been friends since we were 13 years old, lived together, worked together, created nicknames and secret languages together. We share so much in common, yet we’ve never really fought. She’s my kindred, my common ground, even with our differences. And this past weekend, I was so blessed to have her shine more light into my life.

I decided to stay with my Sku because she lives close enough to the race course that it was a perfect excuse for extra visiting! The almost-4 hour travel time means grabbing these opportunities when I can!! But the weekend was so much more than just sleeping and running.

She taught me to jam

I’ve been musical for most of my life. I can play the piano, the saxophone, and the flute…although it’s been years for most of them. I’m sure I’d pass out if I tried to get through any song on the sax or flute…or my jaw would seize up! One of the things I admire most about my Sku is her voracious passion for music. She has learned almost everything under the sun: piano, percussion, drums (all kinds! not just drum kits!), violin, guitar, banjo…! She has written more songs than I can name, and has even placed in the Calgary Folk Music Festival songwriters’ competitions! She records her music, and she teaches as well. When she moved to her new home, I was in awe of her entire room dedicated to music.

It’s one of my biggest regrets: not continuing to practice music as an adult. The problem lies in my instruments of choice. While the piano is beautiful, it just isn’t functional for me. It takes up space and it isn’t portable. You just can’t take a piano camping! And each new piece of music takes time and effort to learn. The saxophone and flute? Well…they’re lovely in a group, but I have very little opportunity to meet with a jazz band to keep my skills from rusting. So, for awhile, I’ve wondered if I could ever learn to play the guitar.

Enter Sku.

After my race on Saturday, we went out to the gorgeous sprawling ranch home of one of her banjo classmates. I expected a dozen or so people, and some low-key plucking away at songs. Instead, I was met with over 60 people (easily), half of whom played some sort of instrument. There were a dozen fiddlers, at least 6 guitars, mandolins, ukeleles, autoharps, upright basses, and of course, banjos.

There was also this incredible 9-year old kid with spoons.

But what was more amazing than seeing all of these musicians was hearing them. Sitting in a room no bigger than our kitchen/dining room, one person would call out a song, and everyone would pick up and play. Some would also sing. The energy of the live music surrounded me as the notes flowed through the air. I felt light-headed at times, listening to songs from the 1890′s all the way through to songs from my childhood. At one point, I had to fight back tears from the beauty of the music.

I felt alive.

So I summoned up my courage and asked my Sku to teach me. And she did! Sitting in her living room the next morning, she patiently walked me through my first guitar lesson. Within the half hour, my fingers and wrists were aching as she coached me through a disjointed, slow “Going to the Zoo”! The whole song! It was incredible!!

Even more incredible was when she offered to lend me one of her guitars so that I could keep practicing at home. And I have been! Each day, I take her guitar out of the case, tune it slowly, and begin to pluck away… G, G, D, G…strum, strum, strum. Pause, change, strum, pause, change, strum. Slowly learning to master a new art.

Something so simple, but made so much more beautiful at the hands of a beloved friend. These moments that might be so meaningless are made special because of that bond and that history. The lack of judgment is so refreshing in a world of drama. My soul is so full after this weekend.

I am so blessed to have a Sku in my life.

de Nam

99.9% wrong

Posted on June 11, 2012 by Meaghan

For four years, I have insisted that my twins are fraternal (dizygotic) twins. Everyone thought I was crazy…I thought they just weren’t looking hard enough. After all, if Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson are fraternal, then my girls were definitely fraternal.

After all, fraternal twins are much more common AND I have a strong family history. Identical twins are much less common.

But then there was the matching celiac diagnoses this year. Then, their optometrist saw something in their retinas (corneas?) that indicates monozygosity. So after 4 years, I swallowed my pride and cut a cheque for $180 to have a cheek swab analyzed.

Today, I found this in the mail:

Surprise! I have identical twins!!

I hate being wrong. Especially 99.9% wrong.

The Run!

Posted on June 10, 2012 by Meaghan

I spent the weekend in Cochrane with one of my dearest, longest-known friends: Suzi, also known to me as just Sku. I am home after a long, rainy drive, and my heart is full and happy from so much goodness!

The main reason for visiting this weekend was to participate in the Footstock half marathon on Saturday morning. I knew that I was ready, but that didn’t stop me from having incredible pre-race jitters!! I took 2 melatonin tablets before bed and still tossed and turned all night, listening to the rain and thunder outside.

I woke up to a cold, dreary day. The ground was soggy and the wind was howling. Suzi and I bundled up into my car, cranked the heated seats on, and drove to town! And before I knew it…I was off!

The pack mentality was hard to shake. I knew what my goals were: keep a 6:30 km/min pace or faster, walk one minute every 5 km, and finish under 2:15. The energy swept me away from the starting line and I had to fight to keep from pacing with the crowd. I held back, knowing that I would be better off in the long run

Six beautiful kilometres along the Bow River, and then the hill from hell that Melinda had warned me about. Even knowing, I was completely unprepared for the monster that lay ahead of me. Head down, one foot in front of the other, don’t walk. And when I wanted to walk, I didn’t, because I was going to OWN THIS DAMN HILL! At the top, it curved to the right…and then KEPT GOING UP. Oh god.

And then…I crested the top and headed 3 kilometres down a dirt road that had been magically transformed into a mud pit. The wind beat down on me, and I could barely see through the rain drops dripping off my eyelashes. I was soaked and cold, and just like *that* – the turn around. Halfway done!! I hadn’t even paused to walk!

I passed the 12km line, and all of a sudden my right IT-band started screaming at me out of the blue. I’d had no pain until then, although I’d been expecting it. I promised myself to walk if it started hurting worse. A couple hundred metres later, it did. I have never stopped moving SO suddenly. It hurt.

I swore under my breath as I walked it out, trying to stretch and lengthen my stride without stopping. I tried to talk myself up. I had just over 9km left in my run…I could do this. I had to do this. I was NOT letting some nagging stupid injury foil my great plan!!

So I ran.

And as I ran, I played with my gait until I found a strode that minimized the pain and let me keep going. I vowed to adapt as necessary, but for the next 9 continuous (no walking – woo!), I ran with an imaginary Skip-It on my right ankle:

Yup. I can’t WAIT to go to physio on Wednesday!! Pleeeeease don’t kill me, Laurie??

But surprisingly, even though I swung my right leg out for 9km, it didn’t hurt. And post-race? My knees were tender if I sat for too long, but not stiff and definitely not painful! And today? I’m not the least bit sore, tired, or stiff!

I screamed down the hill of death, and into the river valley. I was on track for my pace, and the wind was at my back. My energy was high, and I was flying. I broke out of the trail at 18km, and a song came on my iPod.

And suddenly, 3km from my goal, I had a lump in my throat the size of Texas and was fighting back tears. I was completely emotionally overwhelmed by the magnitude of the day and overcome with gratitude for everything and everyone who got me to that point. I was also profoundly proud of myself and my body for making it happen.

Yes, I was bawling on a dirt path while I ran.

And then the finish line was in sight. I bucked up my pace to a beautiful 5:30km/min for the last kilometre. I saw my dear Sku at the finish line, camera in hand. I heard my name on the loudspeaker…

And I finished.

And now, I have this to add to my collection:

Sick

Posted on June 4, 2012 by Meaghan

I don’t do sick.

It takes a lot to knock me out, so rather than fight it, my body just opts to keep the bugs at bay. I enjoy my heightened immunity!

But yesterday? I got sick

We spent an hour splashing at the local outdoor pool, and another hour playing on the playground. Okay, the bugz played on the playground. I sat on the grass… We picked up some groceries and headed home. The bugz passed out in the car before we made it home.

I was feeling queasy. I attributed it to the combination of my weekly cup of coffee, no lunch, and not enough water. I pounded back 750mL of water and laid down to sleep.

2 hours later, I was pretty sure I was dying. Was this heat stroke? It wasn’t that hot out. It took all my strength to lay still so I wouldn’t yakk my non-existent food intake all over. My bugz slowly woke up and crawled into my bed. They played with my hair and stroked my cheeks. They foraged for Rice Krispies in the kitchen, instead of asking for dinner.

When Leith got home at 8pm, I was laying on the couch while my kids watched Megamind and ate dry cereal out of a sun hat. No, really:

He kissed my forehead and took my kids to find real food. I laid in the cold dark of our basement guest room while my hyperactive Chiweenie taught her 6″ tall body how to jump up onto the bed.

Sometime in the middle of the night, fever hit…then broke. The Chiweenie continued to jump on and off the bed, never resting.

This morning, I gingerly sipped tea and ate a piece of toast. I laid on the couch while my bugz watch Enchanted – surely Patrick Dempsey could cure me?? I had a little more tea, and some soup for lunch. Some strawberries.

Everything has stayed put, but this nausea? Can someone put me out of my misery?? The waves, washing over me, reminding me that I am not in control of this situation. Every time I start to feel better, my head spins and I’m down for the count.

Maybe another movie on the couch is in order. This is not a week to be sick: 2 full nights of dance classes, and a half marathon.

Rest…yup, time to rest…

MagzD Life

Monthly Archives: June 2012