Rest assured: the tears aren’t of regret, or falling for those left behind.
They are for the innocence lost; for the eyes that look into my heart and beg trust from me.
To which I will sadly shake my head at all the kindness and say,
No.
Where there once was trust, I live knowing that I will never love again. And that deserves my tears tonight.
Sooo. I’ve decided to try and swim laps during my bugz’ swimming lessons this summer.
For real.
Twice a week, I spend 35 minutes poolside, reading trashy books and playing on my phone while my darling children splash and dive. As adorable as they are, it’s starting to get a little…old.
I was under the impression that because the preschool parents have to stay in the facility during lessons, we also had to just stay and watch. Today I finally asked the front desk if this was the case. She said no! If I want to pay the drop in (or buy a pass or membership, or whatever), I can absolutely use the facility during my bugz’ lesson time.
Score! I need some cross training to compliment my running, and biking is a bit too inconvenient for me right now. I used to love swimming. I was a regular fish!! I passed all my Red
Cross levels before grade 6. I was a born swimmer. However…
I have only swam twice since I was 15 years old and failed my Bronze Cross endurance swim by 2 minutes. Don’t even get me started on that: I mean really! 24 lengths in 14 minutes is totally valid when someone is drowning in your 25m pool. Totally reasonable grounds for failing me when I was stellar in every other area.
Whatever. I’m not bitter about it 16 years later.
Oh god. I just realized it’s been more than HALF my lifetime since I was a regular swimmer. Oh god.
I swam lengths twice in 2010 when I thought about trying a triathlon. I also swam at the Grant MacEwan campus pool once when I was 18. That, my friends, is the grand sum of my swimming-as-exercise since November 1996.
Now I’m more freaked out about this than I was when I started writing this post!
Thanks, blog. You’ve reduced me to a flailing, drowning mess. While we’re at it, let’s also remember that the swim club also practices during my kids’ lesson time.
I can’t WAIT to go swimming during my bugz’ next lesson. Oh freaking yay.
I ran 30 kilometers today. It was quite honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
It was hot out, to begin with. I also “lost” my dad around 24km- he was on his bike, stopped to stretch, and we missed each other. It was also right when I ran out of water…
I’ve never needed water on a run until today…and I ran out right when my training buddy was gone!!
The next 5km were the biggest psychological game I’ve ever played with myself. I *get* the wall now. If my dad hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t have kept going. I was mentally done. I wasn’t in pain, for the first time ever, but I was done. I still had energy in my muscles, and my endurance was fine: I was keeping my “slow pace” at around 7 min/km.
But my brain? Done. Fried. I was counting down by 100m on my GPS. My dad tried to talk me into pushing past 29.3km (18 miles) and just doing 30km. Ha!
Then some trail-nazi decided to stand in front of my dad’s bike and freak out at him for cycling on his trail. Right. When. I. Was. Supposed. To. Stop. Running.
I was so pissed off that I RAN THE NEXT 700m JUST TO SHOW HIM. What a jerk.
But yay! I ran 30km with only fatigue!!
And then, on the kilometer-long walk back to my dad’s truck, the real test came. A dull ache spread down my fatigued legs, from my hips to my ankles. It hurt so much that I was in tears. It took so much strength to just keep moving and not completely lose it right there on the spot. The only thing I can compare it to is that awful ache of a sleeping limb waking up – not the pins and needles, but that take-your-breath-away ache that makes you still so very still until the blood and feeling returns.
It was the worst thing I’ve ever felt. But my dad? I’m so glad he was there. He didn’t crack a smartass comment about it. He just kept cycling and kept me moving. He kept me going.
So, 30km is done. It was scary. It was a huge mileage jump, and I’m exhausted. I slept on my mom’s couch for an hour before I could come home. The good news is that I only have 3 more long runs before the Okanagan marathon, and the only increase by 2 miles at a time…not 5 miles like today!
I need to sleep, eat, hydrate, and lick my mental wounds. I’m still in the game though, even though the game is suddenly a lot scarier!
Only 12 more kilometers to go!
My friend Josline at Modern Mama Spruce Grove wrote a FABULOUS post last night about the 5 things she allows herself to do. It was inspiring and gentle – I loved it. We all need to give ourselves permission to let go once in awhile.
Here are the 5 things I allow myself to do:
What do you allow yourself to do? More so, what should you allow yourself to do that you don’t?
And for fun, I’m tagging some people: Heather, Hethr, Natasha, Jen, and Sarah. Feel free to join 
I have to run 7 miles tonight.
I don’t want to. The higher my weekly mileage gets, the harder it gets to motivate myself to just go.
If I could leap out the front door and run, that would be one thing. But the obstacles I’m facing are enough to make me drag my eyeballs from their sockets with rusty spoons. Yes, I am talking about BOREDOM!!
You see, two active 4-year olds and a husband who is out of town mean that my mileage this week (and next week) will be primarily indoors. In my basement, which is not only humid but also dark. The humidity wreaks havoc on our fluorescent lights, and they won’t turn on. I am literally running in the dark, save for the glow of the television. That means I have to watch TV to see. That means I need something moderately entertaining to watch for the duration of my run.
BUT HAVE YOU WATCHED TELEVISION LATELY??
It’s like dumb procreated with dumber. I can barely stomach a thing. And unless it’s PVR’d, I have to endure commercials. So, other than an hour of True Blood and a PVR’d 2-hour (really, 1:30) episode of So You Think You Can Dance, I’m staring at a glowing box for at least 40 minutes, at least 3 times a week. I am literally counting down the miles by the second.
Kill. Me. Now.
It’s enough to drive me to drink. Or at least procrastinate, except that I can’t. I committed to this little thing called the BMO Okanagan Marathon in a few months. 10 weeks, really. And this weekend, I am scheduled to run EIGHTEEN FREAKING MILES. In a row. In one day.
That means I have to keep up with my shorter weekly runs, at the risk of dying of utter boredom. Life was so much easier when my training runs were 30 minutes long. Tonight, I’ll be running anywhere from 60-70 minutes. In the dark.
Someone help me pout it out! These first world problems really suck sometimes.
It’s Miracle Treat Day today! That means that thousands of people will flock to their local Dairy Queen for a Blizzard treat to support the Children’s Miracle Network. In our area, that means supporting the incomparable Stollery Children’s Hospital.
We’ve made use of the Stollery several times, especially since our twin celiac diagnoses. We also called the Stollery’s cousin, the Royal Alex NICU, home for the first two weeks of our bugz’ lives. This network is near and dear to many friends and families we know.
You would think we’d be first in line for a treat today, especially with a charitable excuse! I love my Blizzards, especially now that they have a mini size – something manageable, rather than gargantuan to treat myself with. But no, we won’t be at DQ today.
Instead, I did what I do every year:
I sent a text to 45678. Then, a $10 donation to the Stollery hospital will come off my cell phone bill. Done. No junk food necessary.
You see, Treat Day is an awesome reminder for me to donate to the Stollery. It brings awareness to the cause, which I love. What I don’t love is that everyone uses it as an excuse to buy junk food “for a good cause”. Yes, some of your purchase goes to the hospital. But most of it goes to ice cream. And while I love ice cream, I don’t feel obligated to buy it to support the cause.
Instead, I take the $10 I would have spent on ice cream and spend the full amount on the Stollery. And maybe tomorrow, I’ll take my bugz for a treat if we think we deserve it. Or maybe we will go to the park to celebrate that they are healthy thanks to the miracle hospitals in our community.
Ice cream is awesome. The children’s hospital in your community is awesome. I just can’t stand using junk food to support healthy causes. It’s right up the alley of ParticipACTION partnering with Coca-Cola, and McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics. At the end of the day, it drives profit into fast food corporations under the guise of feeling better about yourself.
There is a healthy choice out there too. Take the awareness, and don’t feel obligated. If you really want a Blizzard today, then you should totally get one and enjoy that you are also helping a good cause. But if you don’t want a Blizzard (or wouldn’t get one anyway), don’t make a special trip. Text “Stollery” to 45678 and get more bang for your buck.
It’s Day Two of the Whole 30. I hate every living minute of it.
I have never, ever, in my whole life wanted to quit something so quickly.
I hate it. Yes, the food is tasty. Whatever. It’s not satisfying at all. At. All.
My reasons for doing this were varied:
But guess what? The Whole 30 is a HUGE, SUDDEN CHANGE, even for someone who eats 90% gluten/dairy-free already. The physical act of cooking and eating the super-strict Whole 30 food isn’t what’s hard. It’s the mental commitment to it.
You see, I’m already pushing my brain beyond it’s happy place with my marathon training. I have to run 18 miles this Sunday, and I have some serious mental energy that needs to unblock before then. This year’s training is taking more mental commitment than anything I’ve ever done.
I also have a husband who has been gone since Saturday, and now won’t be home until August 2nd. He was supposed to be home today. Surprise!!
There’s also the timing on top of the mental stress. I am going away for the August long weekend with two celiac kids. I already need to plan for their food, and I don’t know if I want the added stress of bringing my own food too. Plus, it’s kind of imposing and rude to my hostess (even though she’s a beautiful, accommodating soul). The morning after we get back, I leave for 5 days in Las Vegas. I’ll be dancing from 9-5 every day, plus three training runs. I’ll have a tight schedule around meal times, and I’ll be at a hotel the whole time. The hotel is at the edge of town – no time for grocery store trips or anything like that.
That, my friends, is 8 solid days of food stress. On top of travel stress, on top of training stress.
I honestly don’t think I can do this right now. I actually feel anxious about eating. THAT is not healthy. I actually want to CRY. It’s pathetic. I don’t want to run out and get a Blizzard and a bottle of wine. I just don’t want to feel trapped and anxious!
I’m a healthy person! I’m not overweight, and I’m very active. I have no discernible health concerns. This isn’t a do-or-die nutrition situation. But I have to stop and wonder: am I having trouble because of all the other stress it’s causing, or because I really need to do this for my body. Is this just withdrawal/cleanse, and I need to push through it? Or is it just BS and I need to take the warning signs and walk away, try again later?
And it’s not like I’ve been starving. I’ve eaten LOTS – at least 2000kcal each day for the past two days. But I’m forcing it in, and I’m still not getting nearly enough carbohydrates to support my training.
Ugh.
I don’t like quitting, and I quit too often. But it’s not worth the struggle right now. Even if I woke up tomorrow and it was an easy day, it’s not worth it right now.
I can go gluten-free and dairy-free. I can’t do this Whole 30 right now. So while the title of this post is “Wavering“, what it really means is “Quitting“.
I need some breathing room right now. I can’t do food guilt. I need to just eat and train and dance and run that marathon in October!
So, Whole 30? I quit.
I’m going to start this off with the biggest disappointment:
Despite the name, there was NO moose anywhere on the race course.
Sadness.
But I did get up bright and early today to run my second half marathon!! It was also my second half marathon in 2012, and my second half marathon in 6 weeks!!
I was a little disappointed in the course. I was expecting a rolling 21.1km of trails. Instead, I got a fairly flat course that was only about half trail. The rest was paved pathway. Not quite the “trail run” I’d been told about… The course volunteers were also less than enthusiastic for the most part, sitting in chairs, not clapping or cheering, barely acknowledging the runners.
But the sun was shining, and it wasn’t yet scorching hot out. Once the initial bottleneck thinned out, I had a really enjoyable 21k! My IT band didn’t bother me until 14k, and it didn’t stop me in my tracks until almost 18k. Even still, I was able to keep a normal gait this time 
I also ran the full distance! I took 5 seconds to walk and chug 2oz of water at 4 aid stations, and about 15 seconds when my IT band smacked me at 18k, but that’s it! My pace was awesome too: I varied between 5:30 min/km and 6:30 min/km for an average pace of 6:00 min/km. I was blown away! While my “burst” at Footstock was 5:30, I ran my last kilometer at about 4:15, with energy to spare!
All that speed meant that I knocked nearly FIVE MINUTES off my Footstock time! I finished in 2:05:56 by my Garmin!!
Crazy!
Half marathon #2 is done for 2012! I don’t think I’d do this race again, but it was still a nice morning. There’s no rest for the wicked though: next week’s long run is 18 miles in preparation for Kelowna!
Meanwhile, I have another finisher’s medal to add to my collection:
My meal plans are set out for the next seven days! Today and tomorrow are my farewell-to-grain days, as I am preparing for the Moose is Loose half marathon in the morning. Monday morning is the start of my Whole 30 Challenge!!
Breakfasts:
Lunches:
Dinners:
I’ll be honest: looking at my meal plan, the estimated cost of groceries for this week terrified me! Nothing but fresh produce and meat! And this is my first week of living on cash only! What if it was more than the $200 I allotted us??
I had a handful of the ingredients already (5 peppers, green beans, cucumbers, riced cauliflower, diced tomatoes, almond butter, and capers) but I needed to buy everything else. When the cashier at Superstore finished ringing up my items, I was shocked!
Shocked!!!
Now, I still need 2 rotisserie chickens (those are my lazy-protien days ) and a spaghetti squash, so my final total will be closer to $150. I’m sure I could do a little better on the produce if I went to H&W Produce, but I didn’t want to make 2 trips into the city today.
Not bad, hey? And this is for ALL FOUR of us!
Switching to gluten-free grain flours and products bumped my monthly food bill from $600/month to $850. It kills me to spend $4-8 on a loaf of bread. This will take a huge chunk off that total, AND it will also keep Leith from buying lunch every day. $8-10 a day, 5 days a week?? That’s another $200 a month saved right there!
I am so excited, and my mouth is watering just looking at the menu. I can’t wait to start…48 hours to go!
The No’s: any grains/rice/quinoa, seeds (including peas and corn), soy, dairy, legumes, sugar, caffeine (other than tea), and alcohol
I can’t wait to share the results with you
Once in awhile, you stumble across an amazing person.
I met Jen last year during the massive chaos of the #YEGhelps Slave Lake clothing (and everything else) drive. We’ve since become really good friends. Yesterday, she wrote an incredible blog post. You see, all Jen wants for her birthday this Sunday is for people to make a difference in the world.
She wants you to make her day wonderful by making the lives of others wonderful. How can you say no to that?
Apparently, you can’t. You see, since that little post went up late last night, the idea has gone viral. All of Twitter and Facebook are awash with people who want to help make Jen’s day.
It’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I am plugging away at a couple of ideas myself, but in the meantime, here is what people are doing:
FIRST: They’re reading Jen’s post. You should do that too.
Then, they are picking their favourite charity/cause/organization to help out, and taking a picture to send to Jen. Some high-priority charities in Edmonton right now are:
They are also donating cash to these organizations, and to other favourites like the Alberta Cancer Foundation.
So whatever your cause is, take a moment to donate to is this weekend in cash or in kind. Let Jen know on the Facebook page for Make Jen’s Day, and let’s watch the awesome of the world expand around all our hearts.
