This next step

Posted on April 7, 2013 by Meaghan

When I originally started this blog nearly 5 years ago, I called it “This Next Step”. I was a mom to almost-3 month old twins, and MagzD really hadn’t been born yet. I was taking the next steps in adulthood and needed somewhere to record the milestones.

Tomorrow, I am registering those almost-3 month old babies for kindergarten. They are in seventh heaven after driving past their school for 3.5 years. They are so excited that I could barely convince them to go to bed. I have a feeling they may be very disappointed when they realize that they won’t actually be going to school until September…!

I, on the other hand, am a wreck. I’m nearly 32 years old, and all I want to do is ask my mom to come with me.

I’ve been dreaming about kindergarten for years: sipping coffee in the quiet 8am dawn light, strolling peacefully through my clean house, running errands without 5-point harness clips in every parking lot for TWO WHOLE DAYS EVERY WEEK (and every other Friday!!!!). I won’t lie: at times, I’ve been downright giddy about it.

Yet now, I’m laying in bed wondering how this all came to be. I’m blogging on a practically defunct blog to a nearly nonexistent audience because I am so overwhelmed by the process of pushing my babies out into the world.

Onto school buses with other kids.

Into classrooms run by other adults.

Onto playgrounds with other family values and structures and ideas of right and wrong.

I am so scared.

Of course I know they’ll be fine. I’m the mom who sits idly while her kids explore the playground, instead of hovering over them. I let them eat dirt and play by themselves for hours unsupervised.

But I’m also the mom who silently worries when they aren’t getting their back floats in swimming lessons, and cringes when I see them struggle. I leave them to their own devices, but it’s hard. And now, I won’t be able to see if they’re struggling. I may never even know. I won’t see who hurts them or who helps them. I won’t watch them master skills, and I won’t be there to celebrate.

And my house will be so empty. Like an only child going off to school, but twice as quite. No more giggles and stories and glitter and crayons and princess shoes. On those days, my house will be so empty. I see myself sitting at the front window, waiting, watching for that school bus all the long day through.

And when they get off the bus each afternoon this fall, I won’t be there. I’ll be at work, and all of their bubbling excitement and news will fall on someone else’s ears. I will only get to kiss their foreheads while they sleep.

But I will put on a smile tomorrow morning, and I will pretend that walking through the doors of that school is the most exciting thing the three of us have ever done together. We will make cookies in the afternoon to celebrate and I will listen to the two of them chatter excitedly about being big kids.

In my heart, I will cry.

{5}

Posted on March 8, 2013 by Meaghan

To my beautiful girls,

I’m not sure when it happened. One moment, you were curled up in my lap, nursing, staring up at me with two set of big blue eyes. The next moment, you were both running away from me, giggles echoing off the trees in the summer sunset.

Baby tummies have flattened out, and soft legs and arms have become lean and strong. You both move through this world with grace and curiosity.

You laugh with each other, fight with each other, grow and explore with each other. You stretch away from each other, and then fall asleep in a tangle of sister limbs. Instead of a pair, there are two people growing up now and yet you are still so connected.

We have had a rough year together, trying to find safety and balance with the changes in our life. We’ve had to learn a lot about boundaries and trust. It’s been a scary year to be your mommy, and I am so thankful that you both held my hands and loved me through it.

Five years.

What a milestone. You’ve stepped out of babyhood, toddlerhood, and even stepped away from the preschool set. You are full-grown kids now. Not my babeez, and barely even my bugz. You are girls, strong and beautiful.

You take my breath away every single day. Chelsea and Kathryn, I love you with all my heart and soul. Thank you for being my girls.

Happy birthday

Almost there…and Cake Wreck 2013

Posted on March 8, 2013 by Meaghan

I don’t know how it happened…but it’s 12:13am on March 8, 2013. In a few short hours, I will have been a mother for 5 years.

I’m having a hard time understanding that. I mean, I get that there are 7 days in each week, and 52 weeks in a year and all that…but I don’t understand how so much time has passed.

So instead of wallowing, I’ll just give you Cake Wreck 2013:

I’d planned to ~~half-ass~~ skip the whole cake chaos of years past. Then, at 10am Thursday morning, I panicked. I drove to town a few hours later with a thread of an idea and a recipe for a gluten-free quinoa chocolate cake. Yup. Cake wreck material if ever there was!

I taught dance until 8:30pm, drove home, and got down to business:

$40 worth of decorations and a few prayers later, I had one of my easiest and prettiest cakes ready to be admired:

A garden for my growing Bugz.

And dare I say? I think I’ve gotten the hang of this cake wreck nonsense after five years! And as always, I solemnly swear that I will not do this again…

Oh, and I also managed to sneak these in for fun:

Trial separation

Posted on January 20, 2013 by Meaghan

It was inevitable. Twins are a whole different parenting game, and the trials and stresses that come with them are sorely lacking in resources. There’s a few books on twin pregnancy and twin infancy. After that? God help you, but you’re on your own.

It’s no secret that our bugz are driving us crazy, slowly, a little more every day. They were wonderful babies…and I would almost reverse it if I could! And due to our family work commitments, they are together nearly 24/7. I can’t really separate them during the day, and nor can Leith or our babysitter separate them in the evenings. We want to spend time together as a family on the weekends, thus they are rarely separated then, either.

And they share a bedroom. They were womb-mates, then crib-mates, and still are roommates. They are always together.

Now we have a wicked case of scheming, sneaking, and worst of all: lying. Two small, frighteningly smart, brave little individuals, left to their own devices. And no matter what, they are always together, working together, thinking together. On the same wavelength, the same milestone, the same growth pattern and maturity.

It’s terrifying and fascinating, but also stressful and defeating as a parent. And these parents can only take so much.

Thus, the only solution left to us is a trial separation.

This week, I will begin the slow (painful, tedious) process of packing up my office and moving it piece by piece to its new home in our basement guest room. Next weekend, we will move C-boo’s bed into my empty office. We will install a closet system for her (as it is an empty cupboard right now), and separate her clothing and toys from Kit-Kat’s. We will tuck them into separate rooms, close a newly-installed door, and walk away.

And my heart will break a million times, because although they are near, they will be alone for the first time in their lives. And although they will always have each other, I am instigating the first real separation of their twinness. They are excited and agreeable to the move, but it wasn’t their suggestion.

And even if their behaviour improves…I still feel like a jerk

Veg’d out

Posted on January 16, 2013 by Meaghan

I love my fruits and veggies. I really do. Given the option, I’m more likely to order a big salad or a double side of vegetables when I’m at a restaurant than a potato or meat. I add crazy things to my culinary creations to up the veggie ante. Most days though, I’m a coffee hound with a side of a couple lazy fruits and a bowl of cereal.

Our family has been falling far behind on our 5-a-day. My bugz aren’t thrilled by anything other than an apple, banana, or fresh berries. They don’t particularly “like” vegetables…although they will eat them over meat. They are definitely (wheat-free/celiac) grainovores. They want cereal for breakfast, peanut butter and jam sandwiches for lunch, and noodles for dinner. And sadly, gluten free options aren’t always the cleanest food choices. It takes a lot of additives to make some foods taste good without the gluten!

And Leith? He just wants meat sticks from the 7-Eleven. And beer.

Sigh.

I can only sneak so much into my kids’ diets. Until I had a moment of genius: smoothies. My kids love smoothies! They beg for us to stop at Booster Juice whenever we are at the swimming pool. So last week, I introduced the idea of Smoothies For Breakfast, and they went NUTS! They have been having a veggie- and fruit-filled smoothie every day for 5 days now. They get about 2 servings of produce each, and then some. Each smoothie has pomegranate juice, almond milk, a whole carrot, 2 handfuls of spinach, parsley, a whole banana (or half an avocado), frozen berries, a few tablespoons of Greek yogurt, chia seeds, and hemp hearts.

BOOM!

Lots of real, organic, natural foods. No mixes or powders, no fake vitamins, no fibre substitutes, no sweeteners. Just real, whole foods. And they LOVE it! The rest of the day, I can sneak peas into their noodles or throw some baby carrots on the side of their sandwiches. I always take an apple and banana with me to my dance classes, and I get 4 servings of fruits/veggies in my smoothie because I’m not sharing it

To make an awesome change even better, I finally signed up for the Organic Box! They recently expanded their service to Spruce Grove/Stony Plain, and they have a drop-off location. I’m currently spending about $45-50/week on produce, and only half of it is organic. For $55/week, it’s all organic. Not bad!! I’m really looking forward to having more variety, and being able to custom-tailor our orders each week.

How do you get your family eating more vegetables and fruits? What are your tips and tricks?

Listography #1: Things I’m Looking Forward To in 2013

Posted on January 6, 2013 by Meaghan

I’ve watched Crystal, Heather, and Melinda write their weekly lists for 2-ish years now, and I love every post. I hope they don’t mind, but I’d like to use their prompts each week on my own blog – I love the self-exploration and discovery, the reminiscing, the gratitude, the appreciation, the wonderment of it all. So, without further ado:

List #1: Things I’m Looking Forward to in 2013

Mexico. Always Mexico…I think it’s what gets me through these short, cold days!
Two sweet little bugz turning 5 years old
Festival/performance season as The Boss, for the first time in 8 years. Eeks!
Summer projects, like putting baseboards in our house, building new gardening beds, and more
Two months off this summer
Those little bugz climbing the steps to the big yellow school bus this September…although I’m equally scared about letting my babeez go off into the world!
(having two to three full days to myself this fall…)
More skiing this winter
Teaching the bugz to ride big-girl bikes, and surprising them with new bikes for their birthday this year
Saving for, planning, and booking our 2014 Disney Cruise!!!
Running outside when the weather warms up
Finishing up my 2nd round of 101 in 1001
Wrapping up the first “new” season of Expressions Dance Studio in 16 short weeks – ahhhhh!
Travelling to Vegas again for the Dance Teacher Web expo
More nights curled up on the couch with Leith, watching cheesy TV shows and bad movies together
Continuing the guilty pleasure of my Sweet Valley High book club with my childhood friend

What are you looking forward to in 2013?

The Year of Nothing

Posted on January 2, 2013 by Meaghan

While the rest of the blogosphere is coming down from the buzz of deciding their New Year’s Resolutions and writing their Year in Review posts, I am sitting in my bed thinking about how little I plan to do in 2013.

You see, I decided that 2013 shall be The Year of Nothing.

2012 was all about kicking ass. And it really, really did. It was incredible. But it was so incredible that I really, truly just want to spend a year doing nothing.

I don’t mean to imply that I’m going to sit on my bum in my pyjamas and eat raw cookie dough all year ~~as much as I love the sound of that~~. I mean that, for the first time ever, I’m not making any sweeping, dramatic plans for the year ahead.

Race schedule? Zero.
Wild holidays? None (other than Mexico, of course…how awesome is it that Mexico is just “standard” now??)
Major diet changes? Meh.
New skills? Don’t need ‘em.

I have two things to accomplish this year: finish my 101 in 1001, and find one more teacher for my studio for next fall (or convince Miss Krista to teach two nights a week for me!). Other than that, it’s free and easy down the road I go: Finish choreography, have my students perform, spend a lazy summer with my beautiful family, escape to Vegas for a little professional development (!!), and begin the life of a kindergarten parent next fall. Hang up my stay-at-home mom hat for 2-3 days a week. Hopefully only teach 2 nights a week instead of 3.

Just be.

Ahhhh…do you hear that? It’s the sound of unwritten/unfinished goals whooshing past into the shadows of my past. It’s the sound of simple existence. This is The Year of Nothing.

And for me, that will be quite something.

Snow bugz!

Posted on December 30, 2012 by Meaghan

We had the chance to get away during the Christmas break!! Leith and I really wanted to, but it wasn’t looking realistic…until we suddenly booked a Saturday night in Canmore. We originally planned to ski at Lake Louise, but right after Christmas, we decided that cross-country skiing was more within our budget.

Read: $90 for 2 days, instead of close to $500!

The bugz received princess skis for Christmas. They were a great little purchase: $40 for skis that strap to their winter boots, grow with them, work for beginner downhill and cross-country,and includes poles. We really wanted to get them out and used to the winter, instead of hiding indoors for 8 months…

We decided to get cross-country sets for ourselves as well. There are so many places to go where we live, and it’s so much cheaper to get outfitted than for downhill! Our skis weren’t ready to go before we left, but we had boots, so off we went…

We spent Saturday at the Canmore Nordic Centre, where Sku met us and helped out big time. My kids always respond so well to her She had them out on their skis while we waited in line for our rentals. By the time we caught up, Kit-Kat was in love with skiing. C-boo was doing really well, but she wasn’t as confident as her sister.

We went about 1.5km down the easy trail before we turned around. It was slow-going, and not at all the workout I expected, but it was so much fun! It was nice to take it easy, too – I hadn’t skied since Girl Guide camp in 1992 or 1993… C-boo tired out quickly, and was done. She alternated between skiing and stubbornly trying to carry her skis!

We warmed up with some hot cocoa in the lodge, and then headed out for some skating! Grammy and Poppa gave the bugz their first ice skates this year, and they were SO excited to finally try skating!! Kit-Kat was a natural once again. Within 5 minutes, she was actually taking steps on her own for short distances. When we left 30 minutes later, she was barely holding on to my hand for support!

C-boo wasn’t as confident, but she still got her skates on and tried! She liked “skating” with her winter boots on a little more

We tried to get out again this morning, but it was much colder and neither kid wanted anything to do with skiing. I can’t blame them: they got more fresh air the day before than the entire month previous! We packed up before lunch and headed to Sku’s for a visit instead.

Today may have been a bust, but I’m still excited to get out again! I love downhill skiing, but it gets far too expensive far too quickly. For rentals and trail fees, we paid only $90 for two days of cross-country! At home, we’ll have our own equipment, and plenty of free trails. With more practice, I think our girls will learn to love winter As Kit-Kat said:

“I love skiing, but sometimes I don’t.”

Thank goodness for a big backyard!

1000

Posted on August 31, 2012 by Meaghan

1000 posts.

That’s a lot of rambling to put up with over the last 4+ years. It’s a little over 250 posts each year. You’ve listened to me ramble a lot.

Sometimes, it’s been inane mutterings. Sometimes, I’ve actually had something good to say. I’ve covered the gamut, from breastfeeding to mom-formula, from policing to cancer, from twins to contraception. It’s never boring around here!

I’ve fought with my Christmas tree and with my demons. I’ve moved and changed jobs. Myyyy, how I’ve changed jobs! I’ve baked and cooked and gardened. I’ve made cheese. I’ve been through not one, but two 101 in 1001 lists. Well…the first one ended in defeat, and the second is still in progress.

I’ve travelled alone and with my husband, and even with my kids. I’ve taken pictures along the way, and journaled my way through life. I’ve made good choices and bad choices. I’ve even made really bad choices. I’ve told my story.

And along the way, I’ve developed some fabulous friendship through the ether. I’ve cultivated relationships and poured my heart to my readers, who have loved me and accepted me with open arms for the most part.

So, to thank you for this, I’m having a little giveaway:

Leave me a comment on this milestone post about your favourite MagzD post in the past 4.5 years.

Let me know what your favourite charity is as well, and in one week, I will draw a random comment. I will give $100 to that commenter’s charity, and $100 to the Canadian Cancer Society as well.

You know, just to say thanks for putting up with me. Xoxo.

***

This post is a part of the Summer Blog Challenge (and I’m still down by two!!). Join the rest of us:

Natural Urban Mama
This Mom’s Got Something To Say
The Dulock Diaries
2 Plus 2×2

Little swimmers

Posted on August 29, 2012 by Meaghan

Today, my bugz passed Salamander. It was their 4th session of swimming lessons, and I have enjoyed watching every single class.

They started out in January as nervous little girls. They liked the pool, but they didn’t like splashing or getting their faces wet. All winter and spring, they stayed in Sea Otter, learning the basics. I would watch them nervously- I couldn’t remember ever being nervous in the water, and it broke my heart to see them struggle even though they were unaware that they were in fact struggling.

Then summer arrived. With it came two choices: 5-day a week lessons (no thanks!) or twice-a-week. So, for the past 9 weeks, I have spent 35 minutes on Monday and Wednesday afternoons watching my girls move from timid little tadpoles to splashing, excited mermaids. They dip, spin, and dive in the water. They glide under the surface, kicking and paddling, only coming up for air.

Their eyes are red-rimmed from the chlorine, and their teacher has to drag them out of the pool. They ask when the next class is. They hobble around the deck of the pool (and parking lot…and our house!) with their ankles crossed: mermaid tails. They dive into water that is chest- and chin-deep without fear. They ask to wear life jackets so that they can pleeeeeease go in the deep water???

My timid little tadpoles who were afraid of the splash park are now adventurous little Sun Fish. I am so very proud of them

***
This post is a part of the Summer Blog Challenge (and I’m still down by one!!). Join the rest of us: