Category Archives: loving me

I (don’t) do it all

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My friend Heather recently posted a link to a blog, dispelling the “do it all” myth. I think that bloggers can sometimes give the impression that life is all sunshine and roses. After all, who wants to read about our whiny problems and negative attitudes day in and day out?

So, in the spirit of dispelling the myth, this is what I don’t do:

  • I don’t shower every day. Every other day, tops and I am greatly looking forward to detoxing my hair once I leave the office world and getting down to 1 or 2 shampoos a week.
  • I don’t wash my face at night, even though I wear makeup, and I don’t use a facial cleanser ever
  • I don’t brush my teeth at night. I floss twice a day though, which I think is more important ;)
  • I don’t wipe my counters and table top after every use. Okay, I’ll wipe the counters down if I’m actually doing something germy on them, but I don’t do it in a housewifey way
  • I don’t wash my floors regularly – maybe twice a month tops, and my whole main floor is washable flooring. I vacuum a couple times a week in the main areas, and I only vacuum the basement monthly
  • I don’t clean our main bathtub. It only gets used for the occasional bubble bath
  • I don’t do anything with the garbage in our house other than take it outside if Leith is gone
  • I don’t recycle or compost nearly as much as I could.
  • I don’t read to my kids every day
  • I don’t brush their hair or teeth every day
  • I don’t eat my 8 servings of vegetables, even on average
  • I don’t have an organized office in the least, but I do know that everything I need is in there…somewhere….
  • I don’t exercise regularly, although I am more conscious of being more active overall
  • I don’t answer emails in a timely manner, and I don’t like talking on the phone (except to my Gramma!)
  • I don’t bargain shop, although I do price compare when I’m at the store
  • I don’t enroll my kids in extracurricular activities, or in preschool classes
  • I don’t support all the breast cancer hoopla, which is a post for another time
  • I don’t fundraise for anything, but I will donate to a select few charities that I believe in
  • I don’t take care of my own vehicle unless it’s dire and Leith isn’t home to do it for me. I will make my own tire-change appointments and put gas in as needed, but I do it begrudgingly
  • I don’t take care of our yard. I’ve raked leaves occasionally, but I’ve never even sat on our lawnmower
  • I don’t change our bedsheets weekly, or even bi-weekly. It’s usually monthly…!
  • I don’t mend clothing – I throw it out. I don’t repurpose things that could be repurposed, and I am generally quite lazy :o )
  • I don’t take pictures of my bugz on a regular basis
  • I don’t go to the dentist. I haven’t been since January 2006…
  • I don’t do photo albums or scrapbooks. I don’t even print pictures!!
  • I don’t do girly things like dressing up and going out dancing, reading magazines or fussing about kittens lol
  • I don’t do drugs, legal or illegal. I barely even use Tylenol
  • I don’t go to church, but I wish I could find one that fits…although then I’d have to go to church to find the one that fits in the first place…it’s a vicious cycle
  • I don’t watch TV, even though we pay for satellite. Hmm…I guess I just like knowing I could if I wanted to
  • I don’t to BS/drama. At. All. Don’t bring it to me, around me or near me. I don’t do cliques, talking behind backs or anything that isn’t transparent. I don’t spend time with people who will do that to me, either
  • I don’t get Martha Stewart, Oprah or any of that over-the-top lifestyle guru junk
  • I don’t do late nights or early mornings
  • I don’t really like to spend money on holidays or vacations, but I will thoroughly enjoy Mexico in February! I don’t like buying toys for our holidays, like trailers and ATVs and that sort of thing.
  • I don’t spend money on clothes unless they will get a LOT of wear. I’m hyperventilating just thinking about the $200 I’ll be shelling out on a winter coat this year, even though I haven’t bought one in 5 years…
  • I don’t like direct-buy or multi-level businesses and parties. Please don’t ask me to buy from you…I’ll find you if I need to.

There ya go! I don’t do it all…some of it big, some of it little. I’m not perfect, and I don’t want to be!!_uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

The strength to quit

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Here’s the thing: a lot of people would probably say that it is easier to quit than to weather the storm. After all, if you quit, you avoid all the pain associated with persevering through the storm.

I’ll tell you this – it’s equally hard to quit. Some days, I wonder if it’s harder to quit than to struggle through. I’ve quit a lot of things in my adult life, and it’s never been easy. The consequences that I’ve fought through after quitting have been some of the hardest battles of my life. The thing is, this time around I am happy to be a quitter.

Would you like to know what I’ve quit?  I’ve quit menial jobs. I quit my B.A. after one year. I quit the MacEwan dance program after 2 weeks. I quit my B.Sc. before I’d started. I quit my dance studio after 3 years. I quit my ballet teacher training. I’ve walked away from personal training opportunities, and this year I quit the business I’d built from the heart up. Next week, I’ll quit my full-time salaried job. While we’re at it, I even quit Facebook and Twitter ;p

None of those moments have come easily. I could have weathered through, looked for advice and help and made it work but I didn’t. I moved on when it wasn’t right for me, instead of becoming a martyr to a vision that I didn’t love. I’ll never stay somewhere that makes me unhappy, or surround myself with people who don’t inspire me. I’ll never settle for the pain of being “strong” because I don’t believe in living a painful life. Of course there are a select few people who are worth feeling pain for, and they live in my house and in my heart. But through many years of quitting, I’ve learned that it take a lot of strength to walk away.

It’s a long, quiet, lonely road sometimes, full of guilt and soul-searching. And yes, it hurts at first, but the beauty in quitting is finding that there is hope beyond the present situation and light beyond the darkness. Everything I’ve quit has led me to a greater treasure – a better partner, a better role, a better life. I am happy and at peace with all the things that I have quit over the years, and I’m proud to be a quitter. I’m proud to know that life is about the journey, and to know that I will never be weighed down.

It’s a freedom that I am privileged to own, to know that I can always move on and move forward. It takes strength to believe in the choices I make and to defend those choices to myself and to others. In a world where people define themselves by the pain in their lives, I am happy to know that I don’t need to relate and engage in the drama. I don’t need to gasp for air and wonder if I’ll make it through. People have called it weak, out loud and in their heads, and it doesn’t matter to me. It takes a certain strength of character to be able to walk away with your head held high and admit that you’re still on your journey.

I’ll never be defined by my present situation because I won’t allow it to define me. I won’t be defined by my past actions or choices. I’ll only be defined by myself and what makes me happy.

And if I need to quit in order to be happy, I’ll quit whatever stands in my way._uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

Change on the horizon

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It’s been a difficult fall for us out here at the Acreage. Of course, it hasn’t been as difficult as years past, when we’ve struggled to make ends meet and juggled looming responsibility with crazy uncertainty. In fact, that area of our lives has been a calm oasis. But the changes in our life this year have been a huge transition.

I lost my job, I experienced a huge betrayal of trust, I found a new job, I left my business, I started a fresh professional outlook, I started a new job, I transitioned, and from the outside, it would appear that we thrived.

But we haven’t. Every tear shed in the morning as I try to pull my kids out of their beds at 5:30am and into the car. Every minute lost with them in these formative years. Every fight at bedtime, every extra hug and kiss squeezed in because there were none during the day.

Every small anxiety about dayhome drop-offs and pick-ups when one of us is working late … when kids are sick all the time, trying to cover their symptoms because we don’t have the flexibility to stay home … scheduling life around work, weighing the pros and cons of every decision and putting things off inevitably.

Every snap of my temper, literally over spilled milk.

Every night, turning into bed before 9pm just to get enough rest.

Seeing my children for less than 3 hours a day, and my husband for even less.

Working around the clock in my mind, trying to create a professional name for myself without the time to devote to actually building that professional persona. Not wanting to be a persona, but rather just wanting to be myself. Fighting an uphill battle with a lot of support, but not a lot of heart left in myself.

Spread too thin, I suppose.

So I left.

I left the professional persona and turned off all my social media. I spent my evenings cuddled up on the couch listening to my bugz talk to me instead of reading, researching, writing or tweeting. I gave them my full attention, and when they went to bed, Leith and I would talk.

We made lists of pros and cons, of expenses and incomes. We looked at the benefits and drawbacks of his job and new position there. We talked about our future and current needs and wants. We explored every option and then I gave my notice.

My last day of work will be November 10. From there on, I will be a mom to my girls and a wife to my husband. Nothing more, nothing less. I will be home for my girls every day, and when Leith’s job takes him away, there will be no scrambling and no stress for us. There will be no need for backup sitters and schedules rearranged.

It will just be.

My girls will have their mommy at their disposal – something we have never had before as I tried to first juggle parenting with being a work-at-home mom and then a work-away mom. They only have 2 more years before they start full days of school, and I don’t want to miss them anymore.

Before, it was a matter of have to work. I needed to fill in the gap between Leith’s salary and our needs. We’re past that point, thanks to some hard work and smart behaviour from both of us. It makes no sense to sacrifice our quality of life for a little bit of money. I even turned down the chance at having my dream job (with my dream boss, no less!) and a bigger paycheque.

It’s not about the money. I can’t think of a single opportunity that would come up that I would take right now. My family needs me as a wife and mother, and we are so blessed to finally be in a position to allow that. It means that I will not be taking on any outside work, other than the odd presentation once in awhile. I want to hold my babeez while they are still young enough to hold and to be the one raising them every day rather than turning the reigns over to someone else.

We haven’t had the choice before now. I had to work in some capacity, and I feel as though my role as a mother was sacrificed during that time. I have the choice now, and this is the choice I want to make.

As sad as I am to leave this job and the wonderful people I’ve met, I am looking forward to the day that my girls and I wake up slowly and enjoy our breakfast together. I’m looking forward to making snowmen in the yard without thinking about the work I should be doing. I can’t wait to do little things like walk to our mailbox and make cookies.

I can’t wait to stop waiting for our life to begin._uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

Scaredy Cat

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I hate scary movies. I can’t watch them. I don’t watch them. They plague me for life if I try to.

Case in point: Jurassic Park.

Not a “scary” movie by any standard, but when my dad and I saw it in the theaters in 1993, I slept in my 5-year old sister’s room that night, and several nights after. Ever since then, I have dinosaur nightmares a few times a year where I am being hunted at Jurassic Park.

You can stop laughing at any time now… I also had dinosaur nightmares my entire childhood, despite being a total Dino-nerd. I even had a particularly gruesome one when I was 4 years old and living in Ottawa – and the dream occurred in our (yet unseen, completely unknown) house in Airdrie. We didn’t even know Airdrie existed until a year or more later.

I know!! Creepy…and that’s not even the creepy part of that dream!

Anyway…this isn’t about me being psychic. It’s about dinosaurs.

Last night, I had one of those dreams. I hadn’t seen the movie in years, but that doesn’t matter. Every once in awhile, my subconscious decides I need a little adrenaline boost. With fangs. Coincidentally, Leith and I were channel surfing tonight and my beloved prehistoric film was on Bravo. So we watched it…and it still stops my breath and quickens my pulse after 18 years.

I don’t know if that is a compliment to Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton, or a nod to my sheer lameness…? But here I am, nestled between my hot and sweaty 3-year old bugz, suddenly 12 years old again and scared to fall asleep.

Laugh, if it makes you feel better.

Learning curve

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Did you know that it is less than eleven weeks until Christmas? That means there are just 12 weeks left in this year, and I have learned a lot from 2011:
  • Vibrams are the greatest running shoes. Period.
  • It is easier to install the drawer runners in an Ikea cabinet if you lay it on its side, rather than trying when it’s already mounted to the wall (would have been nice to know in 2009…)
  • Keeping your mouth shut and your head high is the best way to go
  • Distance learning is really freaking hard!!
  • You cannot grow anything in dead dirt. My garden is full of dead dirt.
  • My daughters need me so much more than I ever imagined. It took 10 months of full-time work and day home attendance for us to learn this.
  • I should have never switched my iPhone for a cruddy normal phone.
  • There are some amazing, kind souls in this world.
  • I love making my own bread.
  • Money doesn’t buy you time.
  • The week that I spent working with #yeghelps for Slave Lake changed every corner of my life.
  • “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone”
  • Surprises are fantastic, especially when accompanied by photo messages :)
  • I’m really glad me and my sister didn’t kill each other as kids, cuz she’s pretty awesome now
  • My husband knows me better than I know myself. He knows what I want and need, long before I recognize those things myself.
  • Any wine called “Cupcake: Red Velvet” is going to be damn good!
  • Opportunity does not necessarily equal good choice.
  • Sometimes, the best choice for you isn’t the best choice for everyone else. The good thing is, it’s your choice.
  • Running in +26 degree weather is awesome…if you have sunscreen and lots of water.
  • Running on a treadmill is much less awesome…
  • pinterest is the greatest time filler ever!
  • Boston Pizza is never going to taste good…
  • Nothing quite compares to the thrill of buying a new daytimer
  • Be mindful of yourself and your actions, because at the end of the day, that is the only thing you can control

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Busy body

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I am falling behind as my life speeds up, and things around here are becoming neglected!!_uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

  • my house
  • my blog
  • my fitness
  • my projects
My goodness! I spent all day today purging and cleaning the main floor of our house. I essentially dumped both bedrooms out on the floor and slaved away until they were done. I scrubbed each bathroom and vacuumed and washed all the floors. In the midst of all of this, I made frequent trips down to our laundry room, swapping and loading clothes and blankets and towels, trudging baskets back upstairs to put away.
I wonder if I would get more laundry put away if it were on our main floor…
Doubtful!
I haven’t been for a run in two weeks. I feel achy and lazy and bored. I’m teaching a 90-minute ballet class, but we all know that teaching ballet falls on the minimal-exertion end of the scale. I’ve figured out a schedule that will get me running and keep my body strong so that I can fight the early onset of Office Azz.  We do not want to be victims of Office Azz over here!! Especially with the cold weather around the corner and the treat counter in my office…
I’m also going to start more long-distance running now that my energy isn’t used up teaching. I want to do a half-marathon early in 2012 so that if I decide to do a full marathon, I’ll still have lots of time. I also got that rotten multi-sport itch when I saw a triathlon going at the TriLeisure centre this weekend. Another duathlon in my future, perhaps?? I’d love to get out to Footstock again…
Not only has my activity level sucked, but my diet has too. I know that it is instinct to crave comfort foods in times of stress, but at some point I need to recognize the power of my own mind! I need a slap upside the head…
My blog…oh, poor bloggity-blog. I miss you! I honestly just don’t have the energy when I get home to type up a post for you :( These once-a-week postings are shameful. I need to put more effort into blogging random stray thoughts to keep you all entertained :) :)
My projects! Oh my!! I’m working on my professional site, with so much to say and too little time to say it. I’ve been invited to be a guest on fusedlogicTV’s Mommy Time segment on September 22. I had an article published for Mommy Connections. I have more interest in my pelvic floor and core training than ever!! It’s nice: I can do as much or as little as I want to and just work on enjoying what I do.
I’ve been madly editing photos. I’m still finishing up Erin’s engagement shoot, and I just shot a wedding on Saturday! I have 350 photos to give them, and I am SO happy with how they all turned out :) It was a beautiful day with a gorgeous bride and stunning wedding party. But no, I am NOT doing another wedding ever again. This was a one-shot special favour ;)
Other than all that craziness, life has been good :) Leith and I relaxed with a couple of movies last night. The bugz have been as good as 3-year olds can be. Work is still great, even when it’s busy. I’ve had some great get-togethers and am just enjoying the ease of this newfound freedom in my life.
I may be falling behind in some areas, but I am enjoying every moment of the ride!

On my mind

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Tonight…

I am cooking ground beef, ground turkey, and maybe even stew meat in preparation for my Big Cook tomorrow. It’s been too long since I did a Big Cook, and I’m tired of coming home hungry at 6pm. On the menu: shepherd’s pie, lasagna, baked pastas, sweet potato burritos, beef stew, broccoli cheese soup and potato corn chowder! Everything is loaded with fresh veggies too – yum!

Oh, and the grand total for groceries for 30 meals? Under $300. That’s right ;) And all of them make enough for next-day lunches for Leith and I.

I made chocolate pizza tonight. I’ve wanted to for SIX years! It was so worth it. Yum! I’m hoping that it kills the cold I’ve been trying to ward off for the past four days…a girl can dream, right? I’ve also been stuffing my cold with lots of sleep and liquid colloidal silver.

I’m still on my 90-say challenge. Shakes for breakfast rock, if I do say! And it’s kept me from gaining weight as I transition to a sedentary job. I’m going to start packing a gym bag to work as well – I get 75 minutes for lunch, which means I have time to go for a run! Yay :) I’m just sad that I don’t have the early lunch shift, because there are great noon hour classes that would be awesome to spice things up :)

I have to give a shoutout to Kim from My Nature Baby. My Reiki session last weekend was incredible, and much needed. I can’t believe how powerful energy healing can be!! Obviously, there’s been a huge amount of stress and change ind the past 3 weeks, and that session made all the world of difference in my ability to handle things. Thank you so much, Kim!

I’ve got a little side project in the works right now…I’m still playing with the name, but it’s a professional outlet of sorts. Somewhere to send people for information and advice about what I do. I’m deciding between two versions of a name, and then it will go live! Can’t wait :)

I have to admit: there are been a lot of people I have cut contact with until all the legal fun of leaving my business is over. That part sucks. There are friends that I lost unfairly, who shouldn’t have been put in that position. I didn’t ask it of them, but they chose nonetheless. For the rest, I made the decision for them so that they wouldn’t need to choose sides. So here is how it stands: if I met you via my former place of employment, I won’t contact you until the legal ink is dry. I don’t want anyone making false presumptions or accusations about your actions or mine.

I’m getting ready for a single parenting stretch this week. I’m surprised how easy it is in the mornings when Leith is gone, but at the same time, things run much smoother when he is here. It’s only 3 or 4 days though, so we should be fine. And I LOVE his away-work paycheques. If I didn’t like having him around, I’d kick him out for the whole summer. 80-hour work weeks make for some pretty pennies ;)

Those pennies also mean that we can go to Mexico this winter – yaaaa! We are doing a big family trip and I can’t wait. It’s been two years since we’ve had any kind of holiday together, and it’s been 4 years since we were in Mexico. The bugz are so excited too. They’ve been talking about it nonstop since I told them yesterday :)

That’s all for now, bloggy friends. I have a couple posts to write later on – maybe I’ll set them to auto publish throughout the week so that you don’t miss me so much :D

Know thyself

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I finally went and had another tattoo done. Nosce te ipsum…know thyself.
Yes, it hurt like hell. I have the boniest feet known to man, so it was excruciating. I was fine on the table, but I definitely will let it sit for awhile before I add any more to it :D
But I know myself, now more than ever. I know this because every time someone has asked me how I am doing in the past week I have been able to answer openly and honestly that I am good. Yes, losing my business in the way it happened sucked, but I know that I am so much more than a name. I still have my knowledge and my thirst for more education. I still have my passion and my drive, but the difference this week is that it is mine and mine alone: it is independent from other people’s needs and desires. It is independent from my responsibility to my family. It enhances who I am rather than defining me.
I like that.
I like knowing who I am, knowing my strengths, knowing my direction and being able to let the universe guide me gently instead of hesitating before every turn. I like being able to trust the people around me without needing to depend on their truths. I like waking up in the mornings and knowing what is expected of me for the day.
Did I just write that I like mornings?
No…but I do! I like waking up in the morning, spending time with my bugz, going to work in the calm of a new day. I like driving home to hugs and love, and spending more time with my family at the end of the day before bed. I love this concept of “weekends” – did you know that this is the first time in my adult life that I have had a traditional weekend? No work whatsoever! It’s incredible – I finally get what everyone has been talking about!
So yes, I know myself. I love myself. I am happy with myself. I am happy and at peace with where I am, despite the hurt that was put down on me. I realize that everything happens for a reason and that we are never given more than we can truly handle. 
Life is good when you know yourself.

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Gratitudes

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  • Warm sunshine on the deck with Sherrie
  • Bugz and lollipops…silence
  • Dinner with mom and dad
  • Sunshine, briefly reminding me that it is in fact summer!
  • Snuggly bugz while Daddy is gone for work
  • Surprisingly smooth mornings as we adjust to our new schedule
  • Great co-workers and feeling comfortable in my new job
  • Ridiculously long lunch breaks :)
  • Planning vacations for the dead of winter
  • New nail polish
  • Long talks with my Gramma, and all her love and support
  • Vanilla almond pancakes: a twist on the fabulous PW recipe! (substitute milk with unsweetened vanilla almond milk)
  • Learning how to function on a PC after years on a Mac ;)
  • A fresh start and a feeling of security after months of struggle
  • Catching up on blogs after a long week
  • A Tinkerbell birthday party to go to
  • Late night phone calls and texts with Leith
  • Listening to their words and sentences become more and more complex and mature
  • Cuddling little teeny tiny babies and remembering how good it feels
  • Seeing my big girls holding those little babies and marvelling at how grown up they look!
  • Finding my Photoshop actions so I can start editing my 2 photo shoots!!
  • Casual Fridays – jeans and Vibrams at work, woohoo
  • 2 full days off in a row every weekend, for the first time in my adult life
  • A new quad…soon! No shovelling the driveway by hand this winter, thank goodness :)
  • Putting my faith into the journey that is life, and knowing that I am never given more than my strength can handle

A fresh start:

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This may be the longest I’ve gone without posting, at least in recent history!! I’ve been so busy, between traveling to Saskatchewan last weekend and starting my new job this week, I’ve barely had time to breathe, let along blog! _uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

Big changes, bloggie friends. Big changes over here. 
The most significant change has been recent and has been an incredibly difficult decision to make. Leith and I decided to remove ourselves from our affiliation with HAWT Fitness this week. There were some unacceptable and upsetting actions taken against us, and it was decided that the best choice was to relinquish any and all control in the company to the other shareholders.
I’m not upset. My knowledge and my expertise is still mine and mine alone – I’ve spent countless hours learning, researching and applying knowledge in pelvic floor health and core restoration that I needn’t worry about being tied to any particular brand. I’ve worked under other brand names before HAWT, and I will continue to work after HAWT.
Of course, it means that I will not be able to offer any HAWT programs myself. Any that were on the table needed to be cancelled. But as Meaghan Dickert, CSEP-CPT, I will still continue my goal of educating women on the importance of pelvic floor health until no one else pees when they sneeze!
I’ll be blogging a bit on the topic here, but I’ll still blog about the insane things my children and husband do, my wild culinary exploits and the abstract ramblings while I pursue my 101 in 1001 list.
Onwards and upwards, dear readers! Keep moving forward, enjoying the days as they come, and appreciating the opportunities to learn and grow :)