{5}

To my beautiful girls,

I’m not sure when it happened. One moment, you were curled up in my lap, nursing, staring up at me with two set of big blue eyes. The next moment, you were both running away from me, giggles echoing off the trees in the summer sunset.

Baby tummies have flattened out, and soft legs and arms have become lean and strong. You both move through this world with grace and curiosity.

You laugh with each other, fight with each other, grow and explore with each other. You stretch away from each other, and then fall asleep in a tangle of sister limbs. Instead of a pair, there are two people growing up now and yet you are still so connected.

We have had a rough year together, trying to find safety and balance with the changes in our life. We’ve had to learn a lot about boundaries and trust. It’s been a scary year to be your mommy, and I am so thankful that you both held my hands and loved me through it.

Five years.

What a milestone. You’ve stepped out of babyhood, toddlerhood, and even stepped away from the preschool set. You are full-grown kids now. Not my babeez, and barely even my bugz. You are girls, strong and beautiful.

You take my breath away every single day. Chelsea and Kathryn, I love you with all my heart and soul. Thank you for being my girls.

Happy birthday

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Almost there…and Cake Wreck 2013

I don’t know how it happened…but it’s 12:13am on March 8, 2013. In a few short hours, I will have been a mother for 5 years.

I’m having a hard time understanding that. I mean, I get that there are 7 days in each week, and 52 weeks in a year and all that…but I don’t understand how so much time has passed.

So instead of wallowing, I’ll just give you Cake Wreck 2013:

I’d planned to half-ass skip the whole cake chaos of years past. Then, at 10am Thursday morning, I panicked. I drove to town a few hours later with a thread of an idea and a recipe for a gluten-free quinoa chocolate cake. Yup. Cake wreck material if ever there was!

I taught dance until 8:30pm, drove home, and got down to business:

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$40 worth of decorations and a few prayers later, I had one of my easiest and prettiest cakes ready to be admired:

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A garden for my growing Bugz.

And dare I say? I think I’ve gotten the hang of this cake wreck nonsense after five years! And as always, I solemnly swear that I will not do this again…

Oh, and I also managed to sneak these in for fun:

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1000

1000 posts.

That’s a lot of rambling to put up with over the last 4+ years. It’s a little over 250 posts each year. You’ve listened to me ramble a lot.

Sometimes, it’s been inane mutterings. Sometimes, I’ve actually had something good to say. I’ve covered the gamut, from breastfeeding to mom-formula, from policing to cancer, from twins to contraception. It’s never boring around here!

I’ve fought with my Christmas tree and with my demons. I’ve moved and changed jobs. Myyyy, how I’ve changed jobs! I’ve baked and cooked and gardened. I’ve made cheese. I’ve been through not one, but two 101 in 1001 lists. Well…the first one ended in defeat, and the second is still in progress.

I’ve travelled alone and with my husband, and even with my kids. I’ve taken pictures along the way, and journaled my way through life. I’ve made good choices and bad choices. I’ve even made really bad choicesI’ve told my story.

And along the way, I’ve developed some fabulous friendship through the ether. I’ve cultivated relationships and poured my heart to my readers, who have loved me and accepted me with open arms for the most part.

So, to thank you for this, I’m having a little giveaway:

Leave me a comment on this milestone post about your favourite MagzD post in the past 4.5 years.

Let me know what your favourite charity is as well, and in one week, I will draw a random comment. I will give $100 to that commenter’s charity, and $100 to the Canadian Cancer Society as well.

You know, just to say thanks for putting up with me. Xoxo.

***

This post is a part of the Summer Blog Challenge (and I’m still down by two!!). Join the rest of us:

Natural Urban Mama
This Mom’s Got Something To Say
The Dulock Diaries
2 Plus 2×2

Finding my voice

I spent the past weekend at the first blog voice of the West:

I’ve had friends and family ask me for the past 4 years why I blog. This is a change from the beginning of this humble journal, when I first had to explain what a blog was! This weekend’s events were a refreshing change in the cadence of the question. It shifted from the normal,

WHY do you blog??”

to

“Why DO you blog??”

When I first started typing on that May day back in 2008, I was a new mom to 2-month old preemie twins. I was barely a year out of college, and hadn’t even celebrated my first wedding anniversary! To say that I was trapped in a land of transition was the understatement of my life.

Preemie twins

I needed a place to recapture the therapeutic calm that writing provided me in my adolescent. I needed somewhere to be accountable to my goals; after all, every sane person decides that they need to fulfill a lifetime of experiences in just over 3 years while they’re nursing their babies one night, right??

I needed to find out who I was! I was not-quite-27 years old, and had just had every area of my life change in less that 12 months!

So here I was, armed with a keyboard and a lot of free time. I wrote. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote. I wrote about nothing, and I wrote about something. I wrote about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I wrote about heartbreaking decisions, and about the sheer ridiculous awesome that is twin parenting.

Somewhere along the way, I became MagzD…I became Me.

who is magzd?

I became a woman who loves her family fiercely, who learned to cook, who tried to garden. I became a socially-conscious person, and a passionate fitness professional.

I journeyed through uncharted territories, falling back onto my writing as a means of decompressing my mind and using my words to help shape my decisions. The characters that spilled out of my fingertips became my sounding board: I could look back on them and see if I really was on the right path in my life, or if I needed to change course.

I became the editor of my own life.

MagzD started as a nickname. Then it became a domain and a twitter handle. Then, one day I woke up and realized it was me.

Through this crazy social media platform, I had found my voice. For the first time since high school, I felt like I had an identity. Someone could read my writing and feel as though they knew me. With every tweet-up and new friend, this becomes more and more apparent to me. I’ve lost the fear of introducing myself. Blogging has helped break the first awkward moments of introduction, and instead provided me with an instant connection:

I am MagzD. This is my life.

This is who I am. The voice in my head as I typed out words for 4 years became the voice that I spoke with in the real world. The laughter, the cadence, the inflection. @kimpagegluckie asked us in one session if our blogs reflected our voices. My blog does, but only because it helped me to find that voice in the first place.

So why DO I blog?

Because this blog is who I am, and I will never cease to be me.

Dear bugz

It seems fitting that I’m wide awake, waiting for your birthday to arrive! After all, this time 4 years ago, your Daddy and I were trying to sleep in the labour room at the hospital. Granted, the labour stopped…but we all know how that night ended ;)

I so grateful that we all pulled through that March weekend in 2008. You have been the shining lights of my life from moment you became little uterine beans. You have been the catalyst for every change in my life since then, and you have become the standard to which I measure my life.

Every thing that I do is for you, my beloved Kit-kat and C-boo. There are skills I learned for you:

  • breastfeeding
  • photography
  • cooking
  • cake decorating (sort of…!)
  • blogging!
  • tolerating winter

Those are the fluffy ones, of course! You have both also taught me about the incredible strengths within me: advocating for a cause, fighting for my beliefs, standing up for my self and my family, and never giving up.

You have taught me about gratitude, both big and small. From the first nurseling latch, to the breath before I yell – you have given me moments of incredible spiritual insight. You have taught me to cherish those moments, and to step back and realize when I’m missing them.

You have created me, my darling bugz. You have moulded me into your Mother for four years now. Every step of improvement has been from your beckon; every weakness revealed has become a goal to be strengthened.

You have made me the Woman I am today. Fitting, on this International Women’s Day.

You are each my breath and and my heart beat. You are my hope for the future, and the ground beneath my feet that keeps me firmly planted in the present.

I cannot extract myself from you, sweet Chelsea and Kathryn. You were knit in my womb, and you are the threads in my heart.

I love you, sweet bugz, more today than ever before.

Happy birthday, my beautifuls.

March

The first week of March is a roller coaster for me.  There are good and bad memories, celebrations and mournings…I know that if I can get through to March 9th, I’ll be good to go. _uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

I feel very introspective and reserved.  I have my bad days during this week, and my really, really good days.  I take the time to gather what is most important, and to blow off things that have been building up to a fever pitch.
Every year.
Why is March 1st-8th so crazy?
  • March 3rd is my dad’s birthday.  Happy birthday Dad!!  It’s an awesome day to celebrate, because my dad is pretty awesome :)
  • March 3rd is the day that Leith’s godmother passed away after a fast and furious battle with cancer.  I can’t explain how deeply she touched me in the short time I knew her, and I held out ridiculous amounts of hope right up until my mother-in-law called me
  • March 3rd is the anniversary of the Mayerthorpe RCMP shootings.  For some, this is old news.  As the daughter of a rural RCMP constable, this date haunts me.  I can’t explain it; it’s something that you have to live with every day of your life growing up to understand and appreciate.  It’s a reminder of how lucky I am to still have my dad in my life, even though he risked his life for countless strangers every day.  Our police do not get nearly enough respect and admiration for the job they do; we always overshadow them with our appreciation for the military and forget the thousands of men and women in Canada who protect us daily at home
  • March 4th would have been Cole’s birthday.  Again, a relationship that I can’t really explain…but little Cole died suddenly on his 9-month birthday.  I was pregnant at the time, and as his birthday approached I was in the hospital on bed rest.  Our studio was planning a huge fundraiser in his memory, and I feel as though my March-birthday girls will be forever entwined in that memory.  So every year, I hold that little boy’s memory in my heart while I hold my dear little girls in my arms
  • March 8th is the day I became a mom.  And as much as I celebrate those two precious girls and the life they gave to me, it is still a very hard day to remember.  Partly because I have so few memories of that day, and partly because the memories I do have are heavily laden with guilt and pain.  It took me 2 years to get over that pain, but I still remember it and I honour it.
  • March 9th was the night that we almost lost me.  I don’t talk about it often, but it was the scariest time of my life, struggling for breath, my needs being ignored, feeling helpless and anxious, watching my husband try to get help for me and being shot down, waiting, waiting, waiting… Obviously, it all worked out for the best, but that is something we will never allow ourselves to go through again.
So bear with me over the next few days.  I promise that I will be my sunshine-and-Pollyanna self again soon :)  I just feel the need to honour these memories, celebrate these gifts and dig a little deeper.  

A few years back…

…I was sitting in a hospital bed.  The room was hot and dry.  I was immersed in trashy novels and a new addiction to Veronica Mars (thanks Jessica!!).  I had a revolving door of annoying roommates and lovely nurses.  I ate nutritionally sufficient food (although the “health” factor was questionable…) and took nightly wheelchair rides with my husband. _uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

He came every morning before work and every night when he was finished.  I saw friends that I hadn’t visited with in ages, and even had surprise visitors like Noah and Julie’s mom!  I missed my parents, who were in Mexico.  My husband’s godmother had 2 days of life left, and I let her know our girls’ names.  She swore to keep it a secret :)
My babeez kicked and squirmed.  I napped, I slept.  I was poked and monitored daily.  I drank lots of water so that I’d have a reason to get out of bed; my only freedom from bed rest was bathroom breaks and a daily shower.  I took looooong showers in the mornings. 
My heart ached for Nicky, who had a birthday to celebrate.  My body ached for the babeez I was trying to grow.  I was simultaneously impatient and scared.  I was bored.  I was restless.  I was even lonely some days.
Who knew that 3 years would change so much?  I look at those babeez today, and I see little girls.  March 2008 was a fight for us.  I nearly lost my girls on March 8; I nearly lost my own life on March 9.    March 2008 is why I will never risk having another child.  It brings me back to what is really important: having those 2 little blondies and their daddy to hold onto when I go to sleep each night.
That’s all that really matters.

So very much to be Grateful for

Whew … too much sun makes for a tired lady tonight! _uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

What a whirlwind week!!  I expected it to draaaaaag by with Leith out of town, but here we are on Sunday night together again :)  There were so many highlights to my week that this may be a long list!
  • C-boo feeling much better and eating like it’s her last meal every time :)
  • Lots of “chuggle” time with Kit-kat to make up for her feeling neglected while her sister was sick
  • Everything planted in the garden, with a prayer sent up for successful growing
  • Bean & peas sprouting and growing faster every day
  • Sweet bugz who have “switched” personalities and want to sleep in the other one’s bed!
  • Sharing a twin bed with my twin bugz at Ga-ga and Poppa’s house
  • 53 years of marriage for my grandparents
  • Hot sun all weekend
  • 1st place for my company in the Corporate Challenge – woo!
  • Wine and good times with friends
  • Little hands holding my (tiny) ponytail when they hug me
  • Welcome home kisses
  • Little girls fighting bedtime so that they can stay up to see Daddy come home
  • Business decisions, commitments and support
  • Jeans on sale at Smart Set
  • The Capilano stairs (although my calves don’t necessarily agree that it’s a blessing!)
  • So much good food – fresh fruit and vegetables, and a freezer full of bison meat!
  • A new iPhone, replaced for free under warranty
  • So many friends for the bugz to play with and grow up with
  • Smiles and little piggy-tails
  • Friends to help you put out fires (literally – lol!)
  • Summer breezes through the trees
  • Incredible mentorship, teamwork and friendship at work
  • Nachos at the High Run
  • Good organic food stores
  • Cute puppies
  • Finding C-boo curled up in the guest bed after she escaped from the playpen!
  • Incentive to delete Angry Birds from my iPhone (this is a blessing in disguise … my heart still hurts for it…)
  • Water to drink
  • A clean van 
  • A new blog layout and design!
  • Gathering up all the preemie clothes for our (3+ month late…) donation to the RAH-NICU
  • Helping hands when my car alarm went on the fritz (AGAIN!) and knowledgeable experts to show me the kill switch – finally
  • An awesome, reliable dayhome for my bugz
  • Excitement in the air for the next 5 months!
I hope that your life is full-to-bursting, and that you enjoyed your weekend as much as me!

For Today

Outside my window … I am watching the trees sway in the wind.  It always seems to be cloudy on Wednesdays ;)  The sun is up, however dim it may be, but I know that we are expecting a high of +8 today, so bring on the spring!!!

I am thinking … about how excited I am for Julia to come and organize my office!
I am thankful … for little green things poking up when I rake.  Spring is here!  I don’t care, it’s here, it’s here, it’s here and I am READY!
From the kitchen … coffee??  Um, I haven’t even made breakfast yet ;)  I’m seeing how long the monsters will go on a banana each.  So far, an hour.  We have lots of leftover vegan chili from dinner last night too, so maybe it will just be a leftover day!
I am wearing … jammies, but in my defense, it’s only 8am and I already showered – which is more than I can usually say at this time of day
I am reading … take a wild guess!!  Yes, still Animal Vegetable Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver, and The Omnivore’s Dilemma by Michael Pollan.  I just can’t seem to make time to read lately!  They are very good books, too, so please don’t take my slow reading as a sign.  I also want to read Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer.  
I am going … to get my life organized in the next 2 weeks!  April 1st is my deadline to have everything in clear order, on paper or white boards or cork boards – whatever it takes to see visual what I need to do and where I need to be on any given day!
I am celebrating … St Patricks Day!  I hope you’re wearing green, or I’mma gonna pinch you!!
Around the house … priming and painting the finished walls, which will not be done today as the bugz and I are watching Tay-tay for the day!
I am hearing … three crazy toddlers tearing around my house.  Oh please don’t let it be a long day … let there be happiness and quiet, with no temper tantrums today?
I am creating … a monster file of photos to send off for printing.  Would you believe I have not printed a single photo for the bugz photo albums in their entire 2 years??  That would fall into my list of “disorganized things that need to be fixed”.  I’ve ordered 164 prints (some doubles; I think there were 101 originals) just from my old BlackBerry album alone!!
One of my favorite things … Easter egg hunts!  My parents did them for me and my sister until I was well into my 20′s.  I really hope that the snow has melted enough for an outdoor Easter egg hunt this year.  I really want to start that tradition for our bugz; I think that this year they will be old enough for that!  
A few plans for the rest of the week … yoga tonight, an appointment and training tomorrow, and starting my “official” office hours on Friday.  
Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you:


One of the most horrifying pictures of the end of my pregnancy …
my back is actually flush against the bed, behind the siderails …
I actually could NOT touch my hands in front of my stomach.

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The party:

May I just preface this by saying we really didn’t take enough pictures of all the kids who came over for the party yesterday.  Oops!  Hopefully my mother-in-law has a few of them all playing in the snow outside :)



We Survived!
I think I need to get t-shirts made with that on the front, and I’ll add a year to the back after each birthday party :)  Oh, and please ignore the completely unfinished wall by my front door … it will be finished by Friday, I swear (only 8 months after we moved in!)
The party by the numbers:
  • 16 kids
  • 16 (or more??) adults
  • 32 wet socks (or more)
  • several bottles of wine – ha!
  • 7 preemie sleepers
  • 24 preemie onesies
  • 8 hand-knitted preemie toques
  • 2 exhausted parents
  • 2 happy bugz :)
We had a BLAST!  First of all, it was much more fun that last year when we crammed the same number of people into our teeny, tiny duplex on a freezing cold, March-blizzard day.  The weather was stunning, so we sent all the kids (and most of the parents! You guys rock!!) outside to play!  I love our acreage.
Love, love, love!!
Everyone was so well-behaved – I am so proud of all those kids!!  Pounds upon pounds of sugar ingested, and not a single meltdown during the whole party :)  I think the bugz were a bit overwhelmed, but they had so much fun playing with all the kids! 
I think the parents were a little overwhelmed by the noise-blowers I gave all the kids to play with for the car ride home – HA!!

I’ll toot my own party horn a bit a lot and say that the menu for the day was fabulous and all hand-prepared by ME.  That’s right – I barely bought a single thing that was pre-prepared.  The only exceptions?  2 bags of chips, a loaf of bread and the fondant for the cakes.
The menu:
  • bruschetta with pan-fried Italian bread
  • pico de gallo with tortilla chips
  • Greek potato chips from Superstore (they reek, but they are sooo tasty!!!)
  • almond butter/chocolate chip cookies
  • lemon-thyme cupcakes
  • black bean brownies
  • cake pops
  • birthday cake!
We made individual cakes for the bugz again, but this year we actually shared them with the kids – 2 cakes made 16 perfect-sized pieces of cake for all the munchkins :)
All in all, a wonderful day was had by everyone!!  Thank you so much to everyone who came.  Many of you ignored the “no gifts” rule, but we forgive you ;)  And to everyone who donated to our Preemie Clothing Drive – we thank you so much!  We still have our own lot to buy, and are waiting for a few others.  We will be taking everything in on April 5, when the bugz go for their 2-year check up.
And because this was such a rollicking success, I have decided to count it as my “Throw a party” on my list of 101 in 1001 :)
Thanks everyone!!