Category Archives: story of us

Keurigs and Kittehs

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April sucked. It sucked so much, in almost every area it could suck. We evicted our tenants. I spent our savings on our empty duplex. We had a huge sale fall through. A window freaking fell out of the duplex in a storm. Petey ran away and hasn’t been back since. And the list goes on.

Finally, my Keurig full-out exploded. Hot coffee grounds from floor to ceiling and all over me. No amount of drying and cleaning saved it, either. Believe me, I tried.

And with no coffee, I gave up all hope for the future.

Seriously:

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It exploded.

The thin thread I’d been holding on by slowly disintegrated before my eyes. No coffee. No hope.

But there were forces at work in the universe. Well, in the twitterverse, to be specific. While I wallowed in despair, some amazing people starting to come together. And on Friday of that same desperate week, I met Natasha at the park.

And in her car, she had this:

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From her. And Tom. And Sarah. And Dash. And Darci. And Raymie. And April. And I cried big fat tears.

I was speechless.

I was blown away.

I was unbroken. Pieced back together with love and kindness. Amazed by the hearts of the community I love so much. Some whom I know in real life and cherish dearly, others whose voices I’ve never heard speak.

And now I have the opportunity to give them thanks with every cup:

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So, thank you, for helping me and supporting me in that very dark hour. Thank you for being the light in my world when I needed it the most. Thank you for being there.

Thank you for giving me strength, so that when we realized Petey probably wasn’t coming home, I was able to deal with it. Because in the last week, we lost Petey and the promise of our new puppy later this summer.

We’d priced out Mastiff pups, and had two breeders who were expecting June litters. Sadly, one’s pregnancy didn’t take and the other didn’t come into season in time for summer babies. So my 250lb furball dreams are put on hold.

Leith has been missing Petey a lot too, and so have the girls. Thus, we took a trip to the Parkland County Animal Shelter today and picked up this guy:

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Meet Kitty Soft Paws. He’s embarrassed by his name, but he’ll get over it. Kit-kat had him named before we even got to the shelter. He’s 5 weeks of spunk and spitfire, and he has the chiweenie torn between mad love and heartbreak. I’m sure they’ll be cuddling in no time.

And the best part? He’s a polydactyl. He has 7 toes on each front paw, which apparently makes him very lucky.

I think that we can use all the luck we can get.

Kitties and Keurigs. Sometimes the simplest things in life have the greatest depth. It’s all up from here.

Being a grownup sucks

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I’ve been up for an hour and a half because I forgot to sign and send my tax return back to my accountant. That slight oversight very nearly meant a penalty on Leith’s return when we are already strapped for payment. I’ve been wide awake since 1:17am, embarrassed by how my stress has managed to creep in to every corner of my life.

The overwhelming stress of the spring dance season is nothing compared to this: that mountain of fear was a cake walk compared to what I am feeling now.

Oh yes, it’s all related to that duplex of ours. I’ve never lost so much sleep over a situation. Empty since April 1st, with a mortgage looming and a real estate market that just doesn’t want our property. A loan wrapped up in that, lurking in the background, demanding payment that we just won’t have. Trying to find other financing options to pay it back. Throwing around words like “bankruptcy” and “foreclosure”.

Scraping pennies to buy paint and rent a carpet cleaner. Finally giving in and agreeing to choke down the cost of new windows. Giving up my entire savings for our dream to a bank, and knowing that I won’t recoup the cost for 5 years.

Adding up all the costs from the past month, past 4 years. Wondering if we should have never moved out here and just stayed in our duplex that didn’t sell back then. Wishing hindsight wasn’t 20/20. Crying about all our lost dreams, lost savings.

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Trying to keep perspective: hot rental market, our health, the strength of our marriage. Trying to breathe when breath has been the only means of avoiding panic for 7 days now.

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Trying to tell myself that we don’t need material things; that we can start from scratch again, feel the burden of needing two incomes to survive. Trying to tell myself that it doesn’t matter how much we make in a year, that it doesn’t matter that we will be busting our butts on a more-than-comfortable dual income and yet barely keep our heads above water for the next 5 years.

Trying to convince myself that it will all work out. That one family can only experience so much distress and instability. That this has to be as low as we can go, and that from tomorrow morning on, we will only be rebuilding. Not backtracking.

Please. Don’t let us backtrack anymore. Please.

This next step

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When I originally started this blog nearly 5 years ago, I called it “This Next Step”. I was a mom to almost-3 month old twins, and MagzD really hadn’t been born yet. I was taking the next steps in adulthood and needed somewhere to record the milestones.

Tomorrow, I am registering those almost-3 month old babies for kindergarten. They are in seventh heaven after driving past their school for 3.5 years. They are so excited that I could barely convince them to go to bed. I have a feeling they may be very disappointed when they realize that they won’t actually be going to school until September…!

I, on the other hand, am a wreck. I’m nearly 32 years old, and all I want to do is ask my mom to come with me.

I’ve been dreaming about kindergarten for years: sipping coffee in the quiet 8am dawn light, strolling peacefully through my clean house, running errands without 5-point harness clips in every parking lot for TWO WHOLE DAYS EVERY WEEK (and every other Friday!!!!). I won’t lie: at times, I’ve been downright giddy about it.

Yet now, I’m laying in bed wondering how this all came to be. I’m blogging on a practically defunct blog to a nearly nonexistent audience because I am so overwhelmed by the process of pushing my babies out into the world.

Onto school buses with other kids.

Into classrooms run by other adults.

Onto playgrounds with other family values and structures and ideas of right and wrong.

I am so scared.

Of course I know they’ll be fine. I’m the mom who sits idly while her kids explore the playground, instead of hovering over them. I let them eat dirt and play by themselves for hours unsupervised.

But I’m also the mom who silently worries when they aren’t getting their back floats in swimming lessons, and cringes when I see them struggle. I leave them to their own devices, but it’s hard. And now, I won’t be able to see if they’re struggling. I may never even know. I won’t see who hurts them or who helps them. I won’t watch them master skills, and I won’t be there to celebrate.

And my house will be so empty. Like an only child going off to school, but twice as quite. No more giggles and stories and glitter and crayons and princess shoes. On those days, my house will be so empty. I see myself sitting at the front window, waiting, watching for that school bus all the long day through.

And when they get off the bus each afternoon this fall, I won’t be there. I’ll be at work, and all of their bubbling excitement and news will fall on someone else’s ears. I will only get to kiss their foreheads while they sleep.

But I will put on a smile tomorrow morning, and I will pretend that walking through the doors of that school is the most exciting thing the three of us have ever done together. We will make cookies in the afternoon to celebrate and I will listen to the two of them chatter excitedly about being big kids.

In my heart, I will cry.

{5}

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To my beautiful girls,

I’m not sure when it happened. One moment, you were curled up in my lap, nursing, staring up at me with two set of big blue eyes. The next moment, you were both running away from me, giggles echoing off the trees in the summer sunset.

Baby tummies have flattened out, and soft legs and arms have become lean and strong. You both move through this world with grace and curiosity.

You laugh with each other, fight with each other, grow and explore with each other. You stretch away from each other, and then fall asleep in a tangle of sister limbs. Instead of a pair, there are two people growing up now and yet you are still so connected.

We have had a rough year together, trying to find safety and balance with the changes in our life. We’ve had to learn a lot about boundaries and trust. It’s been a scary year to be your mommy, and I am so thankful that you both held my hands and loved me through it.

Five years.

What a milestone. You’ve stepped out of babyhood, toddlerhood, and even stepped away from the preschool set. You are full-grown kids now. Not my babeez, and barely even my bugz. You are girls, strong and beautiful.

You take my breath away every single day. Chelsea and Kathryn, I love you with all my heart and soul. Thank you for being my girls.

Happy birthday

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Almost there…and Cake Wreck 2013

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I don’t know how it happened…but it’s 12:13am on March 8, 2013. In a few short hours, I will have been a mother for 5 years.

I’m having a hard time understanding that. I mean, I get that there are 7 days in each week, and 52 weeks in a year and all that…but I don’t understand how so much time has passed.

So instead of wallowing, I’ll just give you Cake Wreck 2013:

I’d planned to half-ass skip the whole cake chaos of years past. Then, at 10am Thursday morning, I panicked. I drove to town a few hours later with a thread of an idea and a recipe for a gluten-free quinoa chocolate cake. Yup. Cake wreck material if ever there was!

I taught dance until 8:30pm, drove home, and got down to business:

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$40 worth of decorations and a few prayers later, I had one of my easiest and prettiest cakes ready to be admired:

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A garden for my growing Bugz.

And dare I say? I think I’ve gotten the hang of this cake wreck nonsense after five years! And as always, I solemnly swear that I will not do this again…

Oh, and I also managed to sneak these in for fun:

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Trial separation

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It was inevitable. Twins are a whole different parenting game, and the trials and stresses that come with them are sorely lacking in resources. There’s a few books on twin pregnancy and twin infancy. After that? God help you, but you’re on your own.

It’s no secret that our bugz are driving us crazy, slowly, a little more every day. They were wonderful babies…and I would almost reverse it if I could! And due to our family work commitments, they are together nearly 24/7. I can’t really separate them during the day, and nor can Leith or our babysitter separate them in the evenings. We want to spend time together as a family on the weekends, thus they are rarely separated then, either.

And they share a bedroom. They were womb-mates, then crib-mates, and still are roommates. They are always together.

Now we have a wicked case of scheming, sneaking, and worst of all: lying. Two small, frighteningly smart, brave little individuals, left to their own devices. And no matter what, they are always together, working together, thinking together. On the same wavelength, the same milestone, the same growth pattern and maturity.

It’s terrifying and fascinating, but also stressful and defeating as a parent. And these parents can only take so much.

Thus, the only solution left to us is a trial separation.

This week, I will begin the slow (painful, tedious) process of packing up my office and moving it piece by piece to its new home in our basement guest room. Next weekend, we will move C-boo’s bed into my empty office. We will install a closet system for her (as it is an empty cupboard right now), and separate her clothing and toys from Kit-Kat’s. We will tuck them into separate rooms, close a newly-installed door, and walk away.

And my heart will break a million times, because although they are near, they will be alone for the first time in their lives. And although they will always have each other, I am instigating the first real separation of their twinness. They are excited and agreeable to the move, but it wasn’t their suggestion.

And even if their behaviour improves…I still feel like a jerk :(

1000

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1000 posts.

That’s a lot of rambling to put up with over the last 4+ years. It’s a little over 250 posts each year. You’ve listened to me ramble a lot.

Sometimes, it’s been inane mutterings. Sometimes, I’ve actually had something good to say. I’ve covered the gamut, from breastfeeding to mom-formula, from policing to cancer, from twins to contraception. It’s never boring around here!

I’ve fought with my Christmas tree and with my demons. I’ve moved and changed jobs. Myyyy, how I’ve changed jobs! I’ve baked and cooked and gardened. I’ve made cheese. I’ve been through not one, but two 101 in 1001 lists. Well…the first one ended in defeat, and the second is still in progress.

I’ve travelled alone and with my husband, and even with my kids. I’ve taken pictures along the way, and journaled my way through life. I’ve made good choices and bad choices. I’ve even made really bad choices. I’ve told my story.

And along the way, I’ve developed some fabulous friendship through the ether. I’ve cultivated relationships and poured my heart to my readers, who have loved me and accepted me with open arms for the most part.

So, to thank you for this, I’m having a little giveaway:

Leave me a comment on this milestone post about your favourite MagzD post in the past 4.5 years.

Let me know what your favourite charity is as well, and in one week, I will draw a random comment. I will give $100 to that commenter’s charity, and $100 to the Canadian Cancer Society as well.

You know, just to say thanks for putting up with me. Xoxo.

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This post is a part of the Summer Blog Challenge (and I’m still down by two!!). Join the rest of us:

Natural Urban Mama
This Mom’s Got Something To Say
The Dulock Diaries
2 Plus 2×2

Planning a dream

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My dream as a child was to go to Disney. All my friends went. We would watch The Magical World of Disney every Sunday night, and I would dream of the day that I would walk under that magical castle.

When I was very young, we didn’t have the money. Then, when I was older, my baby sister was too young. Then, when she was old enough, we were too busy. Then, when we were no longer busy, no one else wanted to go…

In 2004, my family decided to visit my grandpa at his condo in Tampa Bay. My parents decided that we would take a few days out of the two-week trip to drive up to Orlando. They wanted to go to Universal Studios. After 22.5 years, my parents were taking me within miles of my dream but not setting foot in it.

I pulled the most stubborn move of my life: I decided I wasn’t going. I would forgo a free trip to Florida over being tortured by my dream flitting further out of grasp. It just wasn’t fair.

A few weeks later, my parents changed their mind and decided that Disney World would be more fun. I let them think it was their idea ;)

We arrived at the park just as the gates opened for the day. We barely stood in line for any ride. My then-16 year old sister smiled the whole day – a feat for any sullen teenager! The weather was perfect as we sought out characters to sign our autograph books. the souvenirs were cheaper than expected, and our money kept stretching.

The best part, though, was that it was Tuesday: the day that wraps up with the lights parade that was on every single Sunday night Magical World of Disney. The floating snails and floats and princesses…all of it was mesmerizing. At the end of the parade, as night fell, my family stood on Main Street, USA and watched the fireworks explode over the park.

I cried.

I sobbed as my 23-year-old dream finally came true. It was a perfect day in every way.

From the moment the shock of our twin ultrasound wore off, my husband and I have known one thing:

When our girls turn 6, we will take them to Disney. We wouldn’t wait; we would save and plan, and we would take them before all the excuses piled up and they were suddenly 20-somethings.

But life happened. Unpaid maternity leave happened. No overtime happened. Failed careers happened. Debt happened. We spent 4 years picking through the wreckage until we got to this point: this place where we are happy, safe, and comfortable.

Today, I set out to start planning our trip of a lifetime. I had a $15K budget in mind. We’d decided against a Disney park trip, as the thought of days of rides wasn’t appealing to us as parents…and especially knowing our kids!! We knew one thing though: it had to be a wake-them-up-take-them-to-the-airport kind of surprise. No knowing, no hints, no help.

But when we chose a cruise, it became harder. The flight to port was difficult to coordinate. And then, a lightbulb:

We fly to Orlando. Spend the next day at Disney world! Drive to Port Canaveral the following day to catch our cruise in the morning. Spend 4 nights on the ship. Fly home.

It was perfect!! A day of Disney, with two nights at a crazy Disney resort hotel, followed by a Disney cruise! All the memories we could possibly want, without any waiting! Fly, BAM: Disney! Drive, BAM: Disney! No layovers, waiting in an airport hotel for the fun to begin.

The best part? Splitting it up like that (instead of a 5- or 6-night cruise) means cutting my $15K budget in half! All priced out (for 2013, not 2014), it came in at just under $6000 including taxes. Add in 2 travel days of food, and Disney park food, an spending money, and we might spend $7500 total. Not the savings gouge I expected! And with only a year to save, I was worried. It was possible, but tight.

This? This is a dream come true. We will be surprising our bugz, going to Disney World, boarding a cruise ship on their 6th birthday, visiting places we’ve never been, and creating amazing memories.

It’s going to be hard to make it through the next 18 months!

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This post is a part of the Summer Blog Challenge (and yes, I know I missed yesterday!!). Join the rest of us:

Natural Urban Mama
This Mom’s Got Something To Say
The Dulock Diaries
2 Plus 2×2

Family time

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A short and sweet blog tonight, as I snuggle in to a soft, fluffy bed with my family. We’ve ordered a movie in our hotel room, and we have a high cuddle quota to meet. We’re dino’d and swim’d right out!

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Time for some quiet family time until we fall asleep together…and rest until it’s zoo time tomorrow!

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This post is a part of the Summer Blog Challenge! Join the rest of us:

Natural Urban Mama
This Mom’s Got Something To Say
The Dulock Diaries
2 Plus 2×2