Category Archives: workin’

Walk Away

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This is a post that has been written and re-written so many times in the past 5 months, both in my head and on the screen. I’ve waited and waited, sometimes scared, sometimes apathetic, sometimes angry, sometimes at peace. It’s a post that many people have asked and wondered about, and for nearly 5 months, I’ve kept my mouth closed:_uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

At the beginning of August, I walked away from the business and brand I created and built steadily for the previous year. No warning to any of you, although many knew it had been a tough summer for sure! It came out of the blue for everyone, but especially for me. It was not a long, drawn-out decision. 
It was a 48-hour, fast-turn-around, get-the-hell-out decision, and I didn’t see it coming.
I’m still not about to give anyone the drawn-out details. Even though I’ve kept my mouth completely shut, I was still threatened with defamation suits and the like. (Funny, considering I said nothing)
But I will tell you this: it all came out of left field and was the result of finding out that my best friend was either a) lying to me at that moment, or b) had been lying to me for the past 9 months. It was surreal and completely unexpected, hurtful, childish and unprofessional. 
It came at a time when I was already struggling both financially and professionally. She’d laid me off at the beginning of May for her business’ benefit (to which I willingly agreed), and when my EI claim didn’t come through, I was told I had her complete support in finding a new job. She had backed out as my business partner (a role that she had asked for the previous fall) but hadn’t made time for the legal steps to finalize it. When my new job (which I’ve since left) was offered, I was given her blessing, professional reference and support.
Until I started that new job. Within two days of my new full-time job, the proverbial shit hit the fan. I’m still not giving you the gory details, but I went to bed on Wednesday night knowing that I was steps away from being stabbed in the back. I drafted emails to everyone I had professional commitments to, letting them know that I would be unable to see through on the schedules we’d planned. No details, just apologies for the inconvenience and heartfelt thanks for their support.
And then, walk away, I did.
I walked away, contacted my lawyers and let them know that my involvement was ceasing immediately and to do whatever necessary. I didn’t ask for money, reimbursement, or even my wages for the summer. I wanted nothing but my name off that company and as much distance as I could legally muster.
And then I let her know. I said that I would no longer be associated with either company, and that our friendship was over. And that is about the time I found out that I’d been lied to for my own benefit (supposedly) for the past 9 months.
It’s been a hellish 5 months since then. I’ve had a broken heart and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t destroy my desire to work in the Edmonton health and wellness community. I gave it a hard shot for almost 3 months before I said screw it. It wasn’t for lack of support: from day one, I had whispered support that built into a heart-warming and uplifting following of encouragement and belief. It kept my head above the water… 
Unfortunately, the pain was too much. Every day that I put into my work was a constant reminder of what had happened. I threw up my hands and shut down. I closed my Facebook, my Twitter, my website, my practice, my existence in the community. I didn’t talk to anyone for several weeks. Slowly, I started to open up again, but with extreme caution and a very jaded heart.
I am officially a very jaded heart.
I opened up to a couple of kindred souls who gave me strength to start to laugh and joke and be myself online again. I am still guarded, but I am beginning to enjoy being myself again. The cloud overhead is starting to dissipate, and the sunshine is starting to warm my soul again. 
There are still only a few people who know the dirty details of what went on, and I don’t need anyone else to know. That was never the point of this post. The point is to tell you this: although I am still shaken by what happened, I am glad it happened. I don’t have to continue to build a business or personal relationship based on lies being told to me. I found that there is a truly wonderful, supportive network of people who believe in me regardless of whether I am in business or not. I discovered a strength within me that I didn’t know existed, and that I can coexist with bitterness without being consumed by it.
I found out that I love myself just as I am, and that I don’t need to meet anyone else’s expectations or conform to their moulds. I also don’t need to create a persona for the public to enjoy – they seem to like me for me, not some inflated and painted version of myself. I like that Me better anyway…the one who can swear on Twitter and complain about my underwear with zest. 
(…in that I can complain with zest about my underwear…not that my underwear HAVE zest. That would be weird…)
I found that everything happens for a reason, and I found that I am grateful and thankful for everyone who accepted me when I said, “No comment” about everything that happened.
So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for standing beside and behind me, in spirit or out loud, through this incredibly difficult period of time. You know who you are, and I am grateful for you. Thank you for letting me walk away when I needed to and still talking to me when I came back.
The comments on this post are off…but you know where to find me if you need me ;)
Much love,
MagzD

Five Fabulous Things

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I’ve been rolling this post around in my head ever since I saw it on meant2bemama’s blog last week. With my bugz tucked into the beds for a nap, here goes!_uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();


5 things you may not know about me:
  1. I was born in a suburb of Ottawa but moved to Airdrie when I was in kindergarten. I’m still in touch with my childhood best friend, which is super cool. We moved to the Edmonton area in 1993, and I can’t imagine calling anywhere else home.
  2. I’ve never failed a single class or course throughout my entire education. I was on the honour roll from the start, right up until I graduated from my post secondary diploma. And here’s the kicker: I’ve never worked hard at any of it. You can hate me for that, but it’s actually caused more trouble than it’s worth because I don’t know how to study or prepare for things. 
  3. I met my husband when I was 14. We didn’t start dating until I was 23, and he was never a “crush” or someone that I ever would have seen myself marrying. But 7 years later (today!), here we are. It just goes to show that there’s a lot more to a person than meets the eye :)
  4. One of my twins has the same name as her great-grandmother. The other is named after the style of crib we bought for their nursery. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to confess that to them…such are the hazards of finding out there’s a second fetus at 17 weeks….
  5. In 3 years, I went from having no musical training to being able to play the piano, flute and saxophone. As an adult, I play none of them. I would love to learn classical guitar, but I lack the ambition (see #2…).
5 things I am knowledgeable about:
  1. Twins. My goal as a new mom was to stay as far away from the “poor me, I’m a twin mom” trap as I could, to the point where I would look at singleton parents and wonder what on earth they were whining about. I rock at mothering twins. I rocked at babying them and nursing them too. And even though my pregnancy sucked, I know all the bad stuff and can tell you pretty much everything to avoid if you want a healthy twin pregnancy ;)
  2. Pelvic floors. Yes, I could tell you a thing or two about that netherworld. I don’t do it professionally anymore because I would rather mother those twins, which is why I closed up my other blog and my consulting services for the time being.
  3. Random, insane facts and memories. Honestly, I can remember such obscure and unnecessary things. I’m sure if I cleared out all the clutter, I could solve the world’s problems. In the meantime, I can give you random phone numbers, tell you that in Grade 4, Kevin told me I had sleep in my eye, and kick your ass at Jeopardy.
  4. Breastfeeding. I don’t promote that knowledge anymore, especially after getting my face tore off due to a completely unrelated blog post last fall, but I breastfed my twins for 15 months because I was educated. I learned everything I could, and then some. I actually considered becoming a lactation consultant, but because I was not involved in LLL or a nurse, it ended up being more of a sacrifice than I was able to make at the time. I love my pro-BF buddies so much though!
  5. Life. I am sometimes amazed at what the people in this world don’t know. I don’t realize how much I know about how many different things until I meet people who don’t. It blows my mind sometimes. Maybe it’s because I’m such a voracious reader, or because I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge, but I feel like I’ve lived a thousand lives sometimes.
5 things I know nothing about:
  1. Vehicles. I can fill my gas and washer fluid, top up various things if needed, check the air in my tires and occasionally change a wiper blade if there’s no one else to do it. But that’s it. I was so excited for Felicia’s car care night out!! I want to learn to properly change a tire and change my oil, dammit :p
  2. What my husband does for a living. I know the basic gist of it, and I can carry on a conversation with him, but most of the pictures and stories I make up in my head as we go along are probably completely wrong. The scope of what he does is so huge that I am sometimes amazed by what he tells me. Then again, he could tell me that they grease the lines with llama fat and I’d probably believe him….
  3. Politics. I know when someone rubs me the wrong way, and I have a basic idea of which party stands for what, but I have no idea what’s going on and refuse to fill my head with pissing contests (for lack of a better term!).
  4. Sports in general. I played two season of junior high volleyball and one of basketball, and nothing else. I don’t get team sports. I’ll get excited if I go to a hockey game, but I have no idea what’s really going on. Don’t even get me started on football…
  5. What’s on TV. I just started watching TV again after 3+ years, and everyone is talking about this show or that show. I know what they’re talking about…I just don’t know what they’re talking about. I have my 3: TrueBlood, Vampire Diaries, and Mad Men. I’m happy with that :)
5 things I believe:
  1. All religions are the same. It’s culture that gets in the way and causes most of the misconceptions and ignorant behaviour between religions.
  2. The only person you can trust is yourself. Bitter? Yes and no. But I’m done depending on anyone but me because I am the only thing I can control in this world.
  3. Coffee is a food group. It’s not a very nutritiously sound food group, but it is necessary for life’s functions.
  4. There is a big difference between healthy and fit. I vote for healthy over fit any day.
  5. Walking away from absolutely everything to be “just a mom” is the best choice I ever made. I am dreading the day when I need to be more than just a mom.

The home stretch…

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Gramma is back home. The bugz are tucked into bed. I’m curled up in my own bed for the first time in 8 nights…

(Not that I’m complaining – this week with GG here was so wonderful. I wish she didn’t have to go so soon!)

I’m on the home stretch. 4 more workdays until I can claim my place as a stay-at-home mom. 4 more sleeps until I can cuddle with my bugz whenever I want to. 4 more days until I am just “Mommy”.

It took forever to get here, looking ahead from the day Leith and I decided I would stay home. Now it’s 4 days, and it seems weird. I feel bittersweet: sad to leave such a great department at NAIT, but excited for our new, relaxed lifestyle.

I’m so sad that the girls will be leaving their day home. It’s been their home nearly every weekday since January. Sarah has been their mom away from home, there to see them grow when I haven’t been. I’m so glad that I’ll be their full-time mom now, but it’s hard to say goodbye.

So here I am. Several more early nights and earlier mornings. Several more thawed out dinners and lunchroom lunches. Fortunately, only several more days of office treats ;) Think of the weight I’ll drop when I’m away from all the goodies!! I’ll be 90lbs by next week!

And even though this chapter is closing, we are still missing Leith. The only part of this equation we need and can’t have right now. But while he’s away, at least our bugz will have one parent with them 100% of the time. And we can pack up our bags any day but Ballet Mondays and go visit him wherever he may be.

Except Ft Nelson. I’m not driving there :p

Here goes: the last week of Meaghan- at-work before my life (finally) at home.

The strength to quit

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Here’s the thing: a lot of people would probably say that it is easier to quit than to weather the storm. After all, if you quit, you avoid all the pain associated with persevering through the storm.

I’ll tell you this – it’s equally hard to quit. Some days, I wonder if it’s harder to quit than to struggle through. I’ve quit a lot of things in my adult life, and it’s never been easy. The consequences that I’ve fought through after quitting have been some of the hardest battles of my life. The thing is, this time around I am happy to be a quitter.

Would you like to know what I’ve quit?  I’ve quit menial jobs. I quit my B.A. after one year. I quit the MacEwan dance program after 2 weeks. I quit my B.Sc. before I’d started. I quit my dance studio after 3 years. I quit my ballet teacher training. I’ve walked away from personal training opportunities, and this year I quit the business I’d built from the heart up. Next week, I’ll quit my full-time salaried job. While we’re at it, I even quit Facebook and Twitter ;p

None of those moments have come easily. I could have weathered through, looked for advice and help and made it work but I didn’t. I moved on when it wasn’t right for me, instead of becoming a martyr to a vision that I didn’t love. I’ll never stay somewhere that makes me unhappy, or surround myself with people who don’t inspire me. I’ll never settle for the pain of being “strong” because I don’t believe in living a painful life. Of course there are a select few people who are worth feeling pain for, and they live in my house and in my heart. But through many years of quitting, I’ve learned that it take a lot of strength to walk away.

It’s a long, quiet, lonely road sometimes, full of guilt and soul-searching. And yes, it hurts at first, but the beauty in quitting is finding that there is hope beyond the present situation and light beyond the darkness. Everything I’ve quit has led me to a greater treasure – a better partner, a better role, a better life. I am happy and at peace with all the things that I have quit over the years, and I’m proud to be a quitter. I’m proud to know that life is about the journey, and to know that I will never be weighed down.

It’s a freedom that I am privileged to own, to know that I can always move on and move forward. It takes strength to believe in the choices I make and to defend those choices to myself and to others. In a world where people define themselves by the pain in their lives, I am happy to know that I don’t need to relate and engage in the drama. I don’t need to gasp for air and wonder if I’ll make it through. People have called it weak, out loud and in their heads, and it doesn’t matter to me. It takes a certain strength of character to be able to walk away with your head held high and admit that you’re still on your journey.

I’ll never be defined by my present situation because I won’t allow it to define me. I won’t be defined by my past actions or choices. I’ll only be defined by myself and what makes me happy.

And if I need to quit in order to be happy, I’ll quit whatever stands in my way._uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

One down

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We survived the first week of single parenting!! It was a long haul, and by Tuesday afternoon I was done. The girls must have sensed my anxiety because by Wednesday afternoon we had settled into a calmer routine.

I had yesterday off for a doctor’s appointment to fix my tipsy IUD. It wasn’t the least bit painful, thank goodness. I was terrified going in, hearing the words “embedded” and “special tools”. I spent the afternoon curled up in bed with a hot pack and some Tylenol, and all is well now :)

I picked the girls up a few hours early and we had a fun girls-night-out. We went to Michael’s to pick up some craft supplies for the winter, and then we went for dinner at the Cheesecake Cafe. The girls had make-your-own candy necklaces from their day hole, which kept them happy and busy:

Kit-kat
Okay, C-boo was bored at this point and decided to colour instead…but you get the idea!

We even treated ourselves to a piece of turtle cheesecake for dessert :)

C-boo and Kit-kat hamming it up for Mommy :)

Then it was off to Chapters to play in the kids’ section for a bit, and then home to bed. It was nice to spend so much time together!

My Gramma is coming today to stay for the week while my day home is away and Leith is gone. The girls are so excited to have GiGi to play with them all week. I hope she knows what she’s up against!! ;)

Leith is home tomorrow night and back on the road on Monday. After Gramma leaves, it’s only 4 days of work to go…I will miss my coworkers, but I am so excited!! One week down, 2 to go! :)

Having a day

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…where I am exhausted from single parenting and working
…where I am conflicted from sending my bugz to the day home when C-boo is unwell
…where I am trying to keep all the balls up in the air for another 2 weeks and 2 days
…where I am so sick and tired of keeping my mouth shut and my chin up when I am hurt
…where I am tired of being tired and tired of scrambling and tired of it all
…where I am so glad I ditched twitter and facebook
…where I am grateful for the forever people in my life
…where I just want to curl up in bed with a cup of tea and a good book and have this be over with
…where I am so frustrated that I would love to get out an run, but I don’t have the time today, and tonight I have to hold my daughter down while Nurse Sherrie gives her a fleet enema. Oh, and my Vibrams have a hole in them
…where I am more than willing to sell tickets to my pity party
…where I am glad that this is my blog and I can bitch if I want to!_uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

Change on the horizon

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It’s been a difficult fall for us out here at the Acreage. Of course, it hasn’t been as difficult as years past, when we’ve struggled to make ends meet and juggled looming responsibility with crazy uncertainty. In fact, that area of our lives has been a calm oasis. But the changes in our life this year have been a huge transition.

I lost my job, I experienced a huge betrayal of trust, I found a new job, I left my business, I started a fresh professional outlook, I started a new job, I transitioned, and from the outside, it would appear that we thrived.

But we haven’t. Every tear shed in the morning as I try to pull my kids out of their beds at 5:30am and into the car. Every minute lost with them in these formative years. Every fight at bedtime, every extra hug and kiss squeezed in because there were none during the day.

Every small anxiety about dayhome drop-offs and pick-ups when one of us is working late … when kids are sick all the time, trying to cover their symptoms because we don’t have the flexibility to stay home … scheduling life around work, weighing the pros and cons of every decision and putting things off inevitably.

Every snap of my temper, literally over spilled milk.

Every night, turning into bed before 9pm just to get enough rest.

Seeing my children for less than 3 hours a day, and my husband for even less.

Working around the clock in my mind, trying to create a professional name for myself without the time to devote to actually building that professional persona. Not wanting to be a persona, but rather just wanting to be myself. Fighting an uphill battle with a lot of support, but not a lot of heart left in myself.

Spread too thin, I suppose.

So I left.

I left the professional persona and turned off all my social media. I spent my evenings cuddled up on the couch listening to my bugz talk to me instead of reading, researching, writing or tweeting. I gave them my full attention, and when they went to bed, Leith and I would talk.

We made lists of pros and cons, of expenses and incomes. We looked at the benefits and drawbacks of his job and new position there. We talked about our future and current needs and wants. We explored every option and then I gave my notice.

My last day of work will be November 10. From there on, I will be a mom to my girls and a wife to my husband. Nothing more, nothing less. I will be home for my girls every day, and when Leith’s job takes him away, there will be no scrambling and no stress for us. There will be no need for backup sitters and schedules rearranged.

It will just be.

My girls will have their mommy at their disposal – something we have never had before as I tried to first juggle parenting with being a work-at-home mom and then a work-away mom. They only have 2 more years before they start full days of school, and I don’t want to miss them anymore.

Before, it was a matter of have to work. I needed to fill in the gap between Leith’s salary and our needs. We’re past that point, thanks to some hard work and smart behaviour from both of us. It makes no sense to sacrifice our quality of life for a little bit of money. I even turned down the chance at having my dream job (with my dream boss, no less!) and a bigger paycheque.

It’s not about the money. I can’t think of a single opportunity that would come up that I would take right now. My family needs me as a wife and mother, and we are so blessed to finally be in a position to allow that. It means that I will not be taking on any outside work, other than the odd presentation once in awhile. I want to hold my babeez while they are still young enough to hold and to be the one raising them every day rather than turning the reigns over to someone else.

We haven’t had the choice before now. I had to work in some capacity, and I feel as though my role as a mother was sacrificed during that time. I have the choice now, and this is the choice I want to make.

As sad as I am to leave this job and the wonderful people I’ve met, I am looking forward to the day that my girls and I wake up slowly and enjoy our breakfast together. I’m looking forward to making snowmen in the yard without thinking about the work I should be doing. I can’t wait to do little things like walk to our mailbox and make cookies.

I can’t wait to stop waiting for our life to begin._uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

This weekend

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After over 2 years, we finally finished our kitchen:

I use the term “finished” lightly, because we still need to grout and tile the toekicks and backsplash, and install the pulls on the new cupboards. But for all intents and purpose, it is  done. We knew we’d never get those tall pantries painted, so when Ikea had their kitchen event, we decided to hop on the free-gift-card train and get this done.
It took a lot of swearing, a lot of cursing and a lot of wondering how we survived the original renovation project…but it’s done now and I am SO happy with how huuuuuge our kitchen feels now! 78″ more counter space – so nice!
Other events this weekend:
*lots of playing in the leaves
*working at the NAIT Open House on Saturday
*visiting with my parents
*experiencing paleontological PTSD
*discovered mobile blogging
*trying to comb leaves and twigs and pinecones out of two very curly blonde heads
*making/finalizing some big decisions
*deactivating my Facebook account
Yup, no more Facebook. You can find me right here instead. Mwah :)

_uacct = “UA-4888259-1″;urchinTracker();

Random rambling

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I discovered an iPhone app for Blogger!

I’m sitting outside, waiting for the windshield repair shop to open…I can’t tell you how excited I am to sit in their waiting room for 2 hours this morning!! It looks like a ghost town – I’m going to be somewhat unimpressed if my appointment is screwed up. I can stand lateness…

I’m so thrilled about my mobile blogging app though! I have absolutely nothing of value you to tell you, but I am posting because I CAN! :)

I’m thoroughly enjoying the lack of social media in my life right now. The chatter in my head is quiet and I can focus on other little things. Another cut I made was one of the online courses I was taking. I was just taking it as a refresher, and falling behind was not worth damaging my GPA on my transcript. I’m still plugging away at the other because it’s a lead-in to challenge a new designation that I’d like to have.

(Seriously though – I was supposed to drop my car off 15 minutes ago and the gate is still locked!! I’m losing my zen here….)

I finally figured out the greatest, cheapest Halloween costumes for my bugz. I was ready to throw in the towel. Costumes are so expensive to buy for a 2-hour event, and we don’t get home until 545pm most days… Then I had a brainwave that cost me $12 plus a roll of brown craft paper sitting in my office!! I can’t wait to unveil!! So adorable!! :)

(Oh, they’re finally open!! Yay!!)

My gramma is coming to visit for 8 days at the end of October. My day home is away for the week, and so is Leith, so Gram is flying down to watch the bugz!! They are just giddy about it :)

I’m at the NAIT Open House all afternoon today, if you’re bored and want to come visit me!

(Awwe, another customer has her 6-month old standard poodle here. He’s so fluffy, I could diiiiiie!!! …name that movie…)

Okay, I’m done rambling. Aren’t you glad I can mobile blog?? :D