It’s been 10 months since I stopped blogging. I found myself thinking about this old space today, wondering what it was that drew me in so tightly and allowed me to share all my thoughts with the world. All those strangers, all those friends. All the ups and downs, navigating marriage, babies, jobs, life.
And how quickly it all became meaningless. How suddenly the words disappeared, and my “voice” faded away.
How does one’s written history, one’s journal, become obsolete?
Can I just pick up the proverbial pen and continue this story where I left off?
It feels awkward, yet comfortable to sit at my keyboard. The layout of the blog dashboard has changed; it’s like revisiting a childhood home with new owners. It’s still the same place…but different.
The past year has been huge for our family, in only-positive ways. We’ve grown together, celebrated together. There has been very little sadness. That which was sad was still not deeply sad; it was more of an experience than a heartbreak at any given time. Our family has thrived, our careers have blossomed, our sweet babies have grown into little ladies. Teeth have been lost, and friendships have grown.
There is nothing I have wanted for.
Maybe that is why I am at a loss as to what this little blog is anymore. It used to be a place of hopes and dreams, of wishes and what-ifs. Now, I feel as though I am living my happy life. My only wish is that life continues to be as content as it is today. That good-byes become travel opportunities. That winters become beaches. That all that we have worked so hard to overcome continues to shape us each and every day.
I feel as though I have finally arrived. I have conquered so many demons, from bad jobs to bad cheques, bad relationships to bad thoughts. I have become what I need to be to be truly happy.
I have nothing to complain about anymore, and maybe that is why this space is still silent.
I am so happy to be a stranger to this space of awkward confusion, of searching, of grasping, of reaching for some meaning. I have all the meaning I need, and I am so happy for the first time in my life. Not that social media “happy” filled with gushing, inane declarations of perfection. No, I am happily flawed, grown, wrinkled, stretched, tested, settled, and satisfied.
I am happy to leave this space in silence, as a testament to who I was, and no longer who I am.